This new Movado watch

is ridonkulous. I mean, c'mon, right?

You hear the one about...

...the I.E.D. and his doctor?

"I'm not feeling like myself these days, Doc, what's the matter?"

"Well, we've run some tests and I hate to say it, but I think you've got I.E.D."

"I.E.D.?!" Of course I've got I.E.D, I'm an Improvised Explosive Device!"

"No, I.E.D., Intermittent Explosive Disorder."

Guest-blogging from a facebook homie (beachboy_72): Frisco Freestyle

I once knew this ecstasy dealer who was so paranoid that he constructed a ruse just in case the feds were listening. He really wasn't dealing drugs, he would have them believe, he was operating a BMX store called "Frisco Freestyle." Whenever you'd call he'd answer the phone by saying "Frisco Freestyle?" His voicemail also said something like "You've reached Frisco Freestyle, San Francisco's premier BMX shop. If you've reached this message, we're probably out jumping ramps somewhere, so leave us a message!" Whenever you'd get him on the line, he'd tell you what he had. This was in code, too--he'd usually have "Reggae tapes" (weed) and "CDs" (ecstasy) which he'd describe as "very loud." I never understood why he shifted gears here--why is Frisco Freestyle selling music now? Weed should've been called helmets or shin pads, while ecstasy should've been called "Diamond Backs" or "Mongooses," to use some popular BMX brands from my childhood.

He was a strange but cool dude. The only way I can describe him is as a gay Back to the the Future-era Christopher Lloyd. We had a heart-to-heart once. More like heart-to-half-heart. I really didn't give a shit about this guy at the time. I just wanted my drugs. But I feigned interest while he told me about his past. He was once married with a daughter he loved dearly. He got divorced and lost all custodial rights. I wish I'd been more sympathetic to him. Now that I have a daughter I can hardly fathom his situation. Makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. So here's to you, Frisco Freestyle (I won't use your real name)! I hope you were reunited with your daughter!

DP Confessionals

Little-known fact: I once owned two non-Apple MP3 players! Can you believe that shit? This was back in early-'03 or so--before Apple launched their relentless blitzkrieg of marcom for the iPod. The iPod was on my radar but I thought it was a Mac-exclusive product so I didn't even think of buying one. I went to the Stonestown Circuit City and my girlfriend at the time (wife now) purchased the Philips HDD100 for me (I was unemployed at the time, thanks Vick!):I actually liked the HDD100, at least the way looked. It was a sleek, sexy piece of gadgetry, but it broke down within a month or so. So I went back to Circuit City and they didn't have another HDD in stock so they gave me a Rio Karma:Didn't like the look of this one so much; and because of the black void of marketing for this product, I had little faith that the Rio wouldn't go the way of the HDD100 or the dinosaurs. Karma's a bitch, right? You can say that again, because within a couple months, this one petered out on me as well. One thing I did like though, was the typeface used for the Rio. To me, it evokes medieval times and the Conan the Barbarian title sequence. Don't you just see the name "Dino De Laurentiis" when you look at it?

So I try my luck with another Circuit City, the one on Van Ness, and I meet a young man named Carlton. This guy was a real pro. Initially, he told me they didn't have a similar product available for exchange. But, he told me a bunch of iPods were arriving at the store shortly and that he would give me one of those! By now, the iPod billboards were all up and Apple had successfully fetishized this new device; I had to have one--and Carlton was giving me one! I remember calling Carlton every day. He was patient with me each time. He would say, "No, Mr. Porter, the iPods haven't arrived yet. I've already earmarked one of the new arrivals for you. I'll call you when it comes in." At this point, I was so giddy and delirious at the thought of my new life with pod that I could hardly bear it. "I have a feeling Carlton's going to call today," I'd say to my wife with this enormous grin on my face. Vicky noticed a behavioral shift when I talked about it and it scared her. She'd try to talk me down and hold my hand. "Is your hand sweating?" It was! My heart was racing, too. I felt overly excited--almost unbalanced or unhinged. So I finally get the call from Carlton and we drive to Circuit City after work. I walk in there and I still didn't believe that I'd be a proud iPod owner within minutes. Somehow, somebody would step in and nullify the unwritten agreement between me and Carlton. "You're giving this man an iPod in exchange for a faulty Rio Karma? No way--let's steer him towards a Microsoft Zune." Never happened. I tracked down Carlton and he handed me me this beautiful box:I was in shock--I showered him with praise and gratitude and even tried to drop a red-hot twomper ($20 bill) in his shirt pocket! He politely declined my gratuity. Guess he felt it was gratuitous. As is this long rant of a posting, so I'll stop here!

Civet coffee

Anyone know where a bro can find some of that civet-excreted coffee in SF? Read on:

The coffee, also known as Kopi Luwak, is produced by the civet (a small squirrel-like arboreal mammal) which eats the coffee berries or red coffee cherries, the beans inside which pass through its digestive tract, expelling them undigested as feces. The feces are then cleaned, dried and lightly roasted to make the coffee. Coffee from Indonesian civets is considered to have the best aroma, and it is the unique enzymes in the civet's stomach which give coffee its bitter taste. It retails for USD 100 to USD 600 per pound but only around 1000 pounds make it to market each year and supply is very limited.

Katy Perry asks Rihanna to plan her bachelorette party

Wermser & Werman

I recently received a LinkedIn invite from Daniel Wermser. Never heard of the guy but I added him. In this economy, why not, right? Then, I received a Dropbox invitation from a Daniel Werman. I ignored this one as I don't know what Dropbox is. Any of you guys heard of it? Any of you know Wermser and/or Werman?

Word verification codes

Has anyone noticed that they've started to blur the last few digits of these security codes? Why is this necessary? I'm guessing the robo commenters have learned to enter non-blurred codes and this additional layer of security was needed to confound them once again. Or it could be that the one pictured above was an April Fool's joke? It does says "JK." What do you guys think?

Metaphysical...Eyewitness to History

This will be a new feature at Metaphysical. Over the years I've managed to be on the scene to witness some of history's greatest events. In this one you can see I'm housed in the lunar landing module, tipping my hat and raising my martini to Neil Armstrong and the American people. Next up, the fall of the Berlin Wall!