metaphysical nightcap

My weekend ritual

2012-01-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

I try to give my wife some alone time on weekend mornings by taking my daughter out to the Laurel Heights Starbux. She'll have a chocolate milk and croissant and we'll cozy up on a leather couch and spend some quality time. And this morning as I was listening to the music I wondered how many more songs by singer/songwriter types can they play without me being able to recognize the artist? Who the hell are these people? Does Starbucks have their own label I thought? And after a quick search I realized, yes, they do! It's called Hear Music:They smartly decided not to cross-promote via Starbucks or via Via. Ha ha, get it, via? That's their new line of instant coffees. Also during my search I discovered this dope looking album from the 70s:I have no idea who this artist is but it looks like the kind of album I would take a calculated gamble on at Amoeba.

The rap label floss-factor spectrum

2012-01-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the Poor Righteous Teachers' guy's new album (well, new from '07) and he mentioned the name of his production company: HaveNots Production. And it got me thinking about how that has to be the humblest rap label ever.

So I decided to construct this spectrum which would quantify the floss factor of rap labels. On the lowest end of the spectrum is HaveNots Production. They're so broke I couldn't even find a logo online.

Repping the Hoi Polloi's huddled masses is rumored Kanye-ghostwriter, Rhymefest, who recorded the album Blue Collar (I know, it's not a label).

In the middle is the UK label, Barely Breaking Even (BBE). But are they just barely in the red or just barely in the black? Don't know.

Then, on the far right with the highest floss factors are Roc-A-Fella records and Cash Money records. As you can see this is a work-in-progress so please send me the names of labels you think should appear on the spectrum.

Alex Wagner

2012-01-17T05:58:00.000-08:00

Really enjoying her new talkshow on MSNBC. My wife thinks I have a thing for her but I really think she's got a face made for radio. Jokles. She does seem to have a fawning male fanbase as witnessed by the epigrammatic words of a YouTube commenter under her video: NEXT LEVEL DIMEPIECE!

The reason I watch is because she's funny and smart and her guests are too. Plus I love the music she chooses during the ins and outs between segments. Prior to her career as a political pundit, she was the executive editor of Fader magazine. That's amazing to me--how can you become an authority on two massive subjects that are so vastly different within a span of 10 years?

btw, the show is actually called NOW with Alex Wagner in case you want to check it out.

Gypsies

2012-01-06T12:15:00.001-08:00

Are they really just media inventions designed to drive the sale of hidden travel wallets?

So I'm in the exam room

2011-12-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

waiting for my doctor to arrive and I notice he has this photo framed:
Nice photo from one of those 1950s Time-Life photographers, Margaret Bourke White. Never heard of her but anyhow it got me thinking about how EVERY single man wore hats back then and I wondered how people would deal with hat head. I know when I take a hat off my hair looks fucked up--how did an entire generation deal with this affliction on a daily basis? Or was it not an issue because every guy's hair looked fucked up?

My biography? This will be the book cover

2011-12-30T07:04:00.000-08:00

New blog name: Constant Comment

2011-12-27T15:08:00.003-08:00

Just because I have so many comments. Get it?

Funny Tweed

2011-12-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

from James Deen's Twitter:

People say porn is sexist but when was the last time you saw anyone other than a woman cleaning a house in an ad for windex!?!?!?!?

btw, James Deen is a porn star who has a huge female following. Heard of him from reading Andrew Sullivan's blog post about him.

photo courtesy of Brown that Banana.

Neanderthal wordplay

2011-12-03T06:45:00.000-08:00

So my boss asks me to double-check quantities before sending the order in and I guess I misheard him because I checked and sent back this photo as confirmation:I said looks good to me--what do you think?

Never heard back.

I Choose Smirnoff

2011-11-26T08:23:00.001-08:00

Kinduv a played out Drug/Alcohol ed. concept but this Smirnoff campaign was just too hard to ignore.

Recovery gifts

2011-11-25T14:54:00.001-08:00

Stumbled on great recovery gift site. Should I get this as a bumper-sticker of T-shirt for my bro? Maybe I'll just get both!

JK, my bro isn't a recovering addict. I meant my sister! Ha ha. Another jokles, Ameles.

Realest song of all time?

2011-11-23T11:08:00.001-08:00

I'm searching for riches I've had all the time,
finding out happiness is just a state of mind.

Let's all be thankful for our friends and family this holiday season

2011-11-22T17:54:00.000-08:00

Tex Watson

2011-11-19T08:01:00.000-08:00

If you're serious about reforming your image and being granted parole (which will never happen), why not change the picture on your website? It's the same crazed pic that accompanies every article I've ever read about the Tate/Labianca murders.

My wife I have different sleep patterns

2011-11-18T16:03:00.001-08:00

Once I hit the pillow, I'm out. She has a harder time winding down and turning her brain off. She also wants to talk once we put Claudia down but I'm usually too tired. This results in some hilarious exchanges. Like the other night as I'm just about to fall asleep:

Vicky: I hate Jerry Sandusky.

me (groggily awaking): I know--he sucks (understatement of the century but that's all I was good for at that moment).

Vicky: You know what the biggest dream of my life is?

me: What?

Vicky: To own a piano.

me: asleep snoring.

Vicky: You didn't hear what I just said, did you? You never listen to me!

me: No, I heard you.

Vicky: then tell me what my dream is.

me: now, between me saying "what?" and her saying "to own..." I had fallen asleep so I take a stab and say "to own a bike?"

Vicky: I knew you didn't listen to me--you don't care about me and you don't love me anymore!

Looking back we both laughed at the conversation. Hilarious to think that a grown woman's dream would be to own a bike.

note on photo: I was impressed by this commuter check banner. Surprisingly avant-garde.

Gym jams

2011-11-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

Started hitting the gymskie again and I wanted to provide a smoldering smorgasbörd of selections from my playlists. These songs have delivered timely dopamine uploads during my workouts and will fuel my rise back to the gladiatorial ranks.

This first number is from a Germanic fellow who goes by the stagename of Boys Noize. His real name is Alexander Ridha and he started playing drums at a young age. His percussive skills are apparent in this song as his drumming keeps the song moving briskly--especially at like 3:25--listen now!This song has corny germanic techno elements but the drums really knock on this one--especially if you listen to it really loud. Love the name of the song: Cops in the 80s. Makes me think of Running Scared with Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal or CHIPs like the guy who posted this video. Or Banana Fish. That's for all my VIZ niggas!

I discovered that song above after landing on TakeSomeCrimes's Youtube channel. His style is a bit fruity but he's a great dancer. He plays hot club jams in the basement of his parents' house and gets down. This dance isn't his greatest--especially at 1:01--the music called for a way bigger dance explosion. Anyhow, check it:Switching gears, have a listen to this dreampop stunner "Pounding" by the Doves. This song has the odd ability to put you in a ruminative trance and pump you up at the same time:I don't much go for Christina Aguilera's new stuff but this song has always been hot in my opinion. Lyrics are ree-dick (you're licking your lips and blowing kisses my way, but that don't mean I'm gonna give it away) but it always gets me 2 hype--especially towards the end when she says come and set me free baby. Check it:
Still hungry as the day I began, I heat the booth up so much the engineer caught a motherfucking tan. From Ludacris's "MVP":

Scott Pelley

2011-11-12T06:54:00.001-08:00

Always thought he was a handsome guy but isn't he starting to resemble a heroin-ravaged Chet Baker?

Back from Orlando

2011-11-11T05:43:00.000-08:00

Was working the floor at a convention center talking to doctors all day. One thing was confirmed: I'm not a natural salesman. I was demonstrating a product and I said to the customer: Unfortunately, we're not making any more of this product. It's a shame, because it's a great product. So if you're interested, you should buy it now. At this point, I have him ready to purchase but then I say, then again there's probably a bunch left in the warehouse; I mean they're not exactly selling like hotcakes, that's why we're phasing it out. So you can probably wait. He says, too much information! Gosh I hope my boss doesn't read this.

Another point of interest is that I was called a ginger twice by two younger, female coworkers. Reason I describe them as young and female is because I wanted to emphasize how cuckolded I felt. To be called a ginger is to be called sexually undesirable. Redheaded sperm doners are turned down when trying to sell their sperm. Nobody wants a redheaded child! I was talking with someone the other day whose husband works in marketing and they were doing a campaign for a UK-based company and his contact there told him to never uses gingers models in their campaign!

Anyhow, never been called a ginger and it pissed me off, so I say hey, that's a pejorative, that's not nice! She says, well, it is a pejorative, but it's a pejorative of endearment. You know like how young black men call each other nigga? I thought that was good comeback so I didn't pursue if further. But she's not a redhead so her metaphor doesn't really hold any water.

Another note: at Orlando International, I bought a breakfast sandwich, an empanada (for lunch on the plane), and a bottle of water. Guess how much it was? Only 9.25! For an airport that's the steal of the century.

On air travel: tiered boarding has gotten out of control. They were boarding one and then three rows at a time! And before that they would call the parents with small children, first class passengers, star alliance passengers, business class passengers, military or family of military, and then calling out individual rows which thankfully grew to three rows.

Another funny thing: my small department, all five of us, went to Jimmy Buffet's Magaritaville for dinner at our Universal Studios outing. I go to the bathroom and notice a trough right as I enter. So I start peeing and then realize something seemed off. There was a huge mirror facing me, there was soap, there were lights shining down on the trough, and there were faucets attached to the ceramic basin. I was peeing in the sink! Here's a photo of the sink: And no, I wasn't drunk, but I had never seen a restaurant bathroom with a sink in the form of a trough, so I figured it was what it looked like. Luckily no one was in there. As I walked back to the table I debated whether I should share the story with my coworkers. I'm thinking it was a good thing I didn't.

New word for saying something is bad-ass?

2011-11-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking I'll start using the Brit term "Tops," or resurrecting the superlative "Tits" (favored term of the ZZ Top frontman), or co-opting the brand name of Safeway's line of premium deli meats "Primo Taglio." Which do you think makes me seem more indie or cooler if I were to use it consistently?

Guess what this is a photo of?

2011-10-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

It's an artificial sweetener crystal magnified like thousands of times. Looks like a cave--pain cave of some kind.

Maglio Ordonez for Bruno Magli

2011-10-12T05:52:00.001-07:00

Mark Wahlberg's True Holiday Story

2011-10-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm lazily folding my laundry Saturday afternoon and watching THS while my daughter sleeps. They're at the point when Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is blowing up and he's been approached to do a biography. I'm really only half-listening until the narrator says:

The most shocking part of the book was the dedication.

Cut to a former manager of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch:

It didn't surpise me at all that Mark dedicated the book to his penis.

Back to narrator: Mark also revealed that he was born with a third nipple and wrote the bitches like to suck it.

Also revealed was that he went to prison for a hate crime--blinded some old Vietnamese man for no reason. What an asshole. Hate that prick now.

Why are those racial background questions on forms so concerned about you not being Hispanic or Latino?

Funny

2011-09-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

So a big part of my job is coordinating with the doctors who review our content. And one of them didn't have any changes so I ask him:

So no edits Dr. Venkman, is that correct?

Correct. Might consider a gentler Herpes Zoster photo but it does certainly get the point across.

Aniston's new dude

2011-09-26T05:48:00.000-07:00

No doubt he's a good-looking guy who takes care of himself but does he seem to be trying too hard with all the band T-shirts? I mean how old is that guy? Sick layout and design in above pic huh?

Is that a fucktard convention advertisement?

2011-09-25T09:42:00.001-07:00

Just playing. Don't think it is--that was just a funny youtube comment on this video that my boy Jayson Matthews posted and I'm reposting:

Hanging Loose

2011-09-23T16:36:00.001-07:00

I met my wife at our place of work. We carried on this secret affair without any of our co-workers knowing. Then we both quit. So one day we’re running errands in the Inner Sunset and we run into this dude we used to work with! So my wife manages to hide in the post office—she scoped him out before he saw us and she decided she still wanted to keep the secret. So she tells me to go talk to him but not to let on that we’re seeing each other.

So he says, Porter! How you been?

Oh, you know, just hanging loose.

Cool, cool.

I left PRNewswire just like you! I’m working at Adobe now (don’t think he worked there just wanted to make it seem like he had a cool job)! Did you find a new job?

Not yet.

So what have you been up to?

Nothing really. Just hanging loose.

Hanging loose, eh? Good way to be I guess. Okay man, take care!

I was so nervous about putting up this false front of casual normalcy, that that’s all I could say! Clearly not hanging loose at all! My wife jumps out from behind this large plant and says “’Just hanging loose’! What the hell was that?!” Matt Dilkens must think I’m such a weirdo now, huh?

Sent from my iPhone

2011-09-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

I once viewed this email signature as a badge of exclusivity, but Jim Rome made the point that bragging about owning a device that 200 million other people also own isn't an impressive piece of posturing. So my sign-off now reads Sent from my Siemens Xelibri. No one owns this phone.

Comcast sucks for so many reasons

2011-09-14T09:26:00.001-07:00

but here's a new one: every time that The Heartbreak Kid is on, the On Demand listing incorrectly reads that what's airing is the original 1972 version (which I love) starring Charles Grodin, Cybill Shepherd and Eddie Albert:when in fact it's Ben Stiller's career-worst turd version: What also pisses me off (though this isn't Comcast's fault) is that Jerry Fuckheimer was allowed to name his Will Smith movie Bad Boys because every time I see that it's on, I think it's this original version:Great movie but I wasn't ready to view the Ally Sheedy rape scene as an 11-year-old. Same goes for the chainsaw scene in Scarface from the same year.

Never considered myself a fanboy of anyone

2011-09-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

Till I came across Scott Hansen's blog. I was searching for the old Jack in the Box font because I wanted to flip the logo to read "Jackin' the Boss." I came up with that idea after mistyping Jack in the Box and it sounded so funny to me. Anyhow, I found his blog entry about the Jack in the Box rebranding which he considered a success. This must be Mr. Hansen's only aesthetic miscalculation (I liked the old logo better) because the man's a genius and I'd probably lick his scrotus if he asked me to:

Maybelline ad musical trivia

2011-09-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

Name the popular 80s TV show whose theme song is featured in this Maybelline ad.
Got it? It's spelled backwards here: ip mungam.

Took me a while to place it. Never gave much thought as to whether I liked this song but it sounds great here! Doesn't it?

Speaking of repurposing 80s music for use in commercials, I have a great idea for using the Sigue Sigue Sputnik chart-topper, "Lips Like Sugar." Splenda could use it and change the lyric to "Lips Like Splenda, Splenda Kisses." Can't you already see it? Images of young beautiful couples pouring Splenda in their coffee and then kissing. For some reason I see a tight shot of a couple drinking hot chocolate, kissing, and then the camera opens up to a wider shot of a gorgeous mountain vista and you realize they're on a ski vacation in some glamorous European resort town like Gstaad. Oops--I guess that band was Echo and the Bunnymen. Here it is:

Not Enough Time for These Dimes

2011-09-05T07:41:00.001-07:00

This is my new rap act I'm managing: Dimepieces & Timepieces.

Hella

2011-08-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

Ball Security

2011-08-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't my coming-out post. What inspired this homoerotic piece was a comment I overheard from someone in passing: She's so beautiful she'd make Tom of Finland go straight. Tom of Finland is the name of the artist who drew that picture. Anyhow I just thought that was a funny comment and it had been churning in the hopper when I was watching some football and the announcer says "this team needs to improve their ball security..." So then I was thinking of ways to graphically use that term and Tom seemed like a sure bet. I knew Tom loved a man in uniform so a quick search was all I needed to find a suitable image.

Also discovered a great new free font you see used in the piece: REZ. Not sure if it even works here but I love it! Sorry for the sucky arrangement of lettering underneath that eagle logo. Couldn't figure out how to make it wavy.

This site is bonkers

2011-08-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Check it!

My oddball sense of humor

2011-08-06T06:28:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting through a 3-hour orientation at my work, in which all the new folks listen to the heads of each department give a spiel about what they do. So the HR lady gets up and she's talking about where to find medical supplies:

If you go to to the third floor by the elevators there's a closet full of every first-aid item you could imagine. Also, you'll notice a large collection of paperback books to the right of the medical supplies. These are books that employees have donated over the years--so if you'll be flying and need something to read, go grab a book!

So I cut in and say What about e-books?

Everyone turns and looks at me not knowing what to think--the HR lady is confused obviously. They don't know I'm joking because I asked very dryly, not giving anything away, not even a knowing smile. Keep in mind this is about a 1.5 second period. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I say "I'm kidding!" The HR lady said something like "you had me going there for a second." I think one guy laughed--everyone else just moved on. There might've been one small additional chuckle. I was laughing hysterically trying to keep it in. So my question is, is that even funny? Why is that funny to me? I guess because it's such a stupid question--who would ask that? And the resulting confusion, while awkward, is funny too--but probably not the best setting for joke like that. But its very inappropriateness is what makes the joke so funny to me.

This is the kind of thing that drives my wife crazy. Like one time we were on a flight and the stewardess asks me if I would be willing to take on the role of emergency door opening warden as I was sitting near the door. I nodded my head yes. And she says no sir, you have to answer verbally. So I say that I only communicate non-verbally (obviously contradicting myself if I'm verbalizing that sentence) and she got pissed! I forget what she said but I quickly said I was joking and that yes I would be the warden. That really pissed my wife off. Not the right context--the stewardess was obviously in a rush and in no mood for bullshit. Anyhow, I heard her the stewardess talking shit about me to one of her stewardess buddies! Then I got pissed. I think I intentionally swung my bag into her as I pulled it from the overhead bin. That was a great moment. I'm kidding! Not about the whole story but about the bag part.

These new NIKQUILS are sick!

2011-07-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

One-stop shopping for swoosh and swizzurp enthusiasts!

Why

2011-07-25T06:48:00.001-07:00

is it that some days I look at myself and think, damn, you are looking good, DP! and then the following day I feel like I look like Rocky Dennis?

Trending: Hottie Mass Murderers

2011-07-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Girls Know How

2011-07-16T07:34:00.001-07:00

This song always makes me happy.

American Masters

2011-07-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

I was giving a talk to these kids up at Harvard and they asked me, Mr. Porter, what is design? And I said design is the act of deriving form from fragment--you have all these elements and influences and ideas in your head--how do you put it all together? That's design. American Masters filmed the segment for its Great Minds series--should be airing in the Fall; look for it on PBS!

Ha ha just playing. That actually is a good definition of design though huh? Someone asked me that question in an interview--wish I'd said that. Here's a hilarious site called Master Hellahot that I found while searching for American Masters images.

Oh shit

2011-07-04T07:31:00.001-07:00

Am I a pedophile because I clicked on that Taylor Momsen flashes at Download Festival pic? I would include it here but I don't want the feds after me. Instead, I'll post this brilliant piece of artwork (by Stephen Savage) that ran with a story about tennis writing in the Times. So simple but such a great idea.

Ortega Hernandez

2011-07-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were trying to remember Oscar de la Hoya's name and she goes "Ortega Hernandez?" We both burst into one of those great full-bodied cathartic laughs. The reason Ortega was on her mind was that we had been watching one of the most boring fights in years--the Klitschco/Haye's abomination--and she goes "do you think that boxer really did dress up in women's clothing or were they photoshopped?" I think they're real--despite ex-Scores stripper Milana Dravnel's recanting (who claimed she took the photos)--what do y'all think?

What's your Tweed?

2011-07-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about Twitter lately and I came up with a term for someone's Twitter feed—Tweed (Twitter + feed). You feeling that? Do people already call it that? Or do they just say Aww man you gotta follow my Twitter! Tweed would be better. Anyhow, here's an ad they should use if that's what it's called.

Movie Idea

2011-06-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

So I was playing with my daughter and I was thinking how much I love her vitality and enthusiasm and energy (her unbridled youth, basically) and that I just want to tap her spring of youth like a keg because it makes me feel young. And then I thought that'd be a great movie--sort of an Invasion of the Body Snatchers/twisted Cocoon rip-off in which old people steal the youth from kids. The thieves suck it out of the sleeping child with a syringe--when the child wakes, they look like a progeria patient. Wait, that'd be a great idea for a public-awareness spot for this largely unknown disease. Here's the text for the ad:

Imagine if your 5-year-old woke up one morning looking like George Burns. You'd say that can't happen--that's science fiction, right? Well it's not. Each year thousands of children succumb to the disease of progeria and are robbed of their most precious asset: their youth.

Give to the American Foundation for Progeria and give these kids back their childhood--while giving a push to George Burns back in the grave where he belongs.

That tagline needs a little work but I think I'm onto something here.

Twitter account

2011-06-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

Thinking about getting one. I think it was Jim Rome who was saying that if he ran an ad agency he'd require that all copywriter applicants have a Twitter account; it's the perfect platform to prove whether you can be efficient with words--if you can produce a compelling, original thought in 140 characters, you've got skills.

6 am

2011-06-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

That's when my mind is most fertile.

I miss Jim Rome

2011-06-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Well I finally got a job. The one thing I miss from my UI days (aside from hanging with my daughter) is Jim Rome's opening monologue. I'd turn it on at 9 am sharp after I dropped my wife off at work and the opening song would come on and my daughter would say "That's Jim Rome!" The guy is an auteur and so completely locked in and focused during his 18 minute opening. He's an inspiration. I tried going online to find some archived shows but you have to become a Jungle Insider to gain access. Seven bucks a month. Think I'm gonna do that shit.

Anyhow, the job has been cool aside from a misstep with my VP on the first day (some of you have already heard this story). I had just emerged from a grueling three hour session with HR--they went over EVERY detail of the employee handbook--so, when were done I was on auto-pilot and I felt like a complete zombie. So the HR guy is taking me around and introducing me to everyone and then we stumble upon the VP of Communications, the big boss of my group, and we say hello and shake hands--and then after he says "I'll be looking forward to working with you" I say "Welcome," as if he's the new guy! Not the best first impression. He probably thought I was crazy. But I think I made up for it during my one-one-one getting-acquainted session with him in his office yesterday--I came across as a reasonable and sane professional (I think) and managed not to welcome him to the firm.

I'm all for getting edgy...

2011-06-05T07:23:00.001-07:00

..and those are some provocative gloves for sure, but this company has taken it a bit too far, IMO.

Gaseous Clay

2011-06-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

There you have it: the most juvenile blogojevich of my career. Gotta play to the base sometimes. And no, I did not steal this brilliant idea from the rapper with the same name. I'd never even heard of him until now.

LIVEWRONG

2011-06-01T08:01:00.003-07:00

Y'all think he cheated? I do.

Can't believe this ad is real

2011-05-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

They claim the shoe is supposed to give you energy--that's why the energy drink is being poured on the shoe. Also, the logo is a sperm! A journalist from AdWeek reported that retailers were backing out due to potential controversy. He couldn't believe the logo was a sperm and called the company to confirm. This was their response:

"Our logo is deliberate. Our customers feel like they are getting the beginning of a new life when they try our shoes. Pain and fatigue are alleviated, energy is restored; they can walk and exercise again. What represents that? The seed of life. We're not embarrassed by it, nor are our customers. We are currently working with some of the best retailers in the world and look forward to future business opportunities with companies that are liberal enough to embrace this concept. There's no shame, there's pride."

It's good to see Gravity Defyer has a sense of humor about this--the press release was titled: GRAVITY DEFYER™ LOGO CAUSES PULL OUT – pain free/comfortable footwear line still swimming upstream despite retailer outrage.

My luck is turning

2011-05-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

I pick my wife up at work every day. Usually I arrive as she's leaving, but sometimes I'm a little early. So I'll sit in the car and listen to the radio. The air-con is on too if it's hot. This has never been a problem insofar as battery drainage, but the other day, after plugging in my smartphone charger, I try turning the radio on, and it won't go on—the battery died (don't EVER charge your phone in your car unless the engine's running)! This is really bad—the type of shit that'll surely send my wife into a rage. Why did you try to charge your phone? Didn't you know the battery would die? You had the air and the radio on also?! I imagine her yelling at me.

I have ten minutes tops before she leaves work—I have to get this thing jumped before she leaves. I'm parked right near the garage exit of my wife's building, so I try waving down the first car that comes out. It's a BMW SUV driven by a youngish, well-dressed woman who looks like she's in marketing. Surprisingly, she stops. I ask her if she has cables and she seems a little flustered—she really wants to blow me off but just doesn't have it in her. It's just like when someone has their blinker on and is trying to move over to your lane—if the driver remains faceless, it's so easy to drive ahead and cut them off. But if a driver were to stick their head out the window, smile, and make a personal plea, few people are heartless enough to deny them the courtesy. So she pulls over, gets out, and opens her trunk. She must have cables if she's opening her trunk, right? No. She thought she had them but she doesn't.

So I wave the next driver down—nope, no cables, he says. So then I break out my AAA card and put it on the hood of my car while I search for my phone. All of a sudden I hear this concerned young woman's voice say, Awww, what happened? Certain the voice wasn't directed at me, but still curious, I turn around and see this attractive, fashionable 23-year-old hipster woman—and she is talking to me! Being a man in my late '30s, I still don't believe it—I'm invisible to women like this. I tell her my car won't start—do you have any cables? No, I didn't drive today—sorry, but good luck! she says.

So I get AAA on the line and give them my info—they'll arrive in a half hour the dispatcher tells me. Knowing my wife won't be happy about blowing a towing credit, I continue to look for other options. There's a parking lot down the block—perhaps the dude at the booth has cables, right? I run down to the lot and there's no booth and nobody on duty. I turn back toward my car and walk past a beat-up old Chevy. There's this greasy, gearheadish, amphetamine-fueled vagrant who's rummaging around in the back of his truck. He's got a mountain of tools and wires and building materials back there. This guy surely has cables. I should emphasize that, although he appeared to have a drug habit, live out of his truck, and suffer from psychological problems, he wasn't scary. He was smallish, with glasses—seemed approachable. So I tell him I need a jump—does he have cables?

Yes, I have cables—where are you parked?

My luck is turning! I just need to get this guy to pull up alongside my car and I'm set. So I point to my car and then I realize his door is broken. He can't get the passengerside door to close. As he continues working on it, my phone rings—it's my wife! She says she's coming right down. I have two minutes before she arrives. I try my hand at the door; no luck. Then, he fixes it. Now, he just has to find the cables, he says. Oh fuck—are you kidding me? You don't even know where they are?! I see my wife approaching the car—there's no way to hide the issue any longer. I run down to the car and explain the situation—she's pissed off just as I knew she'd be. I tell her to calm down—let's pull together—divided we fall, right? So I give her the AAA phone number along with our reference number. Once the benevolent vagabond gets our car started, you need to call the number and cancel the tow, okay? She barely musters a churlish nod whilst rolling her eyes.

So I run down to reconvene with the drifter (I'll call him JT Vaga) and discover he's found the cables! They look to be 30 years old and the black plastic casing which houses the copper wiring is completely chewed off right where the wiring meets the clamps. Pointing to the offending decay, I ask him, you think these will even work?

Yeah, they'll work—no problem.

Now I feel bad—like I've offended him. I look up and realize he's not even tripping. He's heard a thousand fuck-yous.

So I point to my car and tell him to meet me up there.

Okay, he says—but now, his car isn't starting! Third times a charm, however, and he gets her up and running.

I race down to my car and my wife can still scarcely contain her scorn, but she's distracted when she sees JT Vaga rolling down the street—this is her first good look at him and she's wondering, who the hell is this guy?

Don't worry, I assure her—this guy's cool.

So he pulls alongside my car and heads to the back of the truck. He's endlessly rummaging again now—looking for something. What's the hold-up now? I run back, concerned, as there's a huge line of cars behind us waiting to get by. Also, I have maybe five minutes before AAA arrives.

I ask him if there's anything I can help him with. Somehow, in the process of retrieving the cables, he's lost his keys in the back of his truck! So I go help sift through his shit. I look back at the pissed-off drivers and make a "just one minute" gesture with my finger in the air. Although truth be told, I had no idea if JT Vaga would ever get it together. But, seconds later, I deliver on my promise to the drivers—JT found his keys, attaches the cables, and starts the car! My wife starts our car, cancels AAA and we're all good. I tell JT, that at this moment, you are the most beautiful man on the planet! My wife softly tells me, out of JT's earshot, to give him a 20. Good idea. Upon receipt of his bounty, JT seems surprised; even baffled—but he was also grateful. My wife later said that he looks like he could've used a little help and that the 20 was a nice gesture--I think she was right.

Why does Maria Shriver need to attend the All-Star game?

2011-05-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Is she enjoying herself? Doesn't look like it. I wonder if she and her son said a word to Weezy.

Apotheosis

2011-05-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is a word I've looked up a million times and have finally committed to memory. Great word to use in place of "epitome."

Big-game hunter, Henrdrick Hertzberg, takes a shot at the Social Animal

2011-05-13T14:19:00.001-07:00

From his excellent blog I just discovered:

As long as I’m dissing right-of-center Times columnists (affable and noncrazy though the two of them are), consider a sentence from today’s David Brooks offering.

Brooks is ruminating complacently about Donald Trump, whom he places in “the realm of Upper Blowhardia.” Trump, he writes, is one of those “supremely accomplished blowhards” who “offend some but also arouse intense loyalty in others” by saying “obnoxious things that others are only permitted to think.”

Then this:
Thus, there has always been a fan base for the abrasive rich man. There has always been a market for books by people like George Steinbrenner, Ross Perot, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Bobby Knight, Howard Stern and George Soros.

George Soros? The guy whose imaginative nurturing of civil-society institutions in central and eastern Europe helped bring down the Soviet Communist empire? Who has probably done more than any other private citizen anywhere to bring about peaceful democratic change everywhere? Whose books, which sell modestly, are serious treatments of economics, philosophy, and world politics? Who has devoted some eight billion dollars to the advancement of human rights, education, public health, and freedom of expression, here and abroad?

I’m quite sure that Brooks knows Soros doesn’t belong on his list. He just threw in Soros’s name because he needed a liberal—for political “balance,” to protect his right flank. It’s a little like when Bush threw in North Korea to keep the Axis of Evil from being exclusively Muslim. Only worse, because North Korea really is evil, whereas Soros has nothing in common with that crowd of bullies and charlatans.

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/hendrikhertzberg#ixzz1MGmUElga

Because we all could use a little optimism

2011-05-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

There's a warm singer/songwriter feel to this one--like Leonard Cohen after a cocktail. I wanna live in that world--where nostalgia is beside the point because we all live inside a bright and glorious present.(*)

* Confession: stole that last part from the Douglas Coupland-penned liner notes of Saint Etienne's "Good Humor."

Here's my Tipper Gore impression

2011-05-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

There are certain movies that are unwatchable for large segments of the population, and as such, these movies need new ratings(*). This new rating is not intended to protect minors, but rather the parents of minors. Movies like this one:A movie like this should have the following rating placed very prominently on any DVD packaging and in any trailer that airs in theaters or on television:Here's another movie that my wife forced me to watch this past weekend that centers around the parents of a small child who is run over by a car:This one would need new text for the rating box of course, as the kid isn't kidnapped and raped. But I actually would heartily recommend The Rabbit Hole to anyone, parent or not. Not The Lovely Bones, however. Just too heavy-duty. I actually couldn't watch the scene in which Stanley Tucci rapes the girl. I turned it off.

*I actually need to give a shout-out to my cousin-in-law, Todd Voyageur, who had the idea for this rating system and told me about it. These movies I watched recently just made me think about it. So thanks for sharing this with me, Todd, so I could steal your idea!

Troika

2011-05-01T05:58:00.000-07:00

Back to my vocab series today. This is a cool word--very handy because triumvirate is overused. Why not dazzle 'em with this synonym of Russian origin?

I always say to myself

2011-04-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

why do ads always have to use models? Why can't they just use normal people? This is why:Now I feel bad--perhaps this woman is attractive--but that is an awful picture of her. She doesn't look comfortable. Her smile and that pose are not right. And they need to do something about her neck.

The most clever porno store marquee you'll ever see

2011-04-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

Most misleading ad of all time?

2011-04-20T11:56:00.001-07:00

This woman qualifies as a senior?

Inappropriate toy of the year?

2011-04-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Buying my niece a gift for her birthday and was surprised to stumble upon this one. Actually seems like a cool toy.

Brother, can you spare a dolor?

2011-04-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading Game Change. Crackling good read, my friends. Penned by a duo of smart bros (John Heilemann, Mark Halperin) who were constantly dropping five dolor words on me. And, as I always do, I wrote these new words down and looked them up--but this time, because I liked so many of them, I wanted to find a way to commit them to memory and share them with you guys. So I've decided to graphically share them here. The first one, dolor, is a great word. I like the adjectival form (dolorous) even better because it seems more useful.

New Beginnings

2011-04-08T06:36:00.001-07:00

The genesis of this idea sprang from the photo of those men you see—it's a photo of an unemployment line and it was originally used on Huffington Post. Those men just looked so guilty and disgraced—almost like sex offenders I thought. Doesn't the ad look real? I feel I could use this in my portfolio and pretend it is.

Tiger's Blood

2011-03-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

I was eating my Tiger's Milk before my workout and recognized the typeface so figured I'd have a little fun with the Sheenster. Illustration is NOT mine--it's by a very talented fellow named Alex Pardee. Alex, if you want me to take this down, do holler.

Writing/Editing job

2011-03-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

photo: from a site called Bikini Machines.

So I answer a job posting for a site aimed at parents of young children. They suggest activities for children that make learning fun. They specifically asked for writers possessing a snappy, punchy style to apply—someone who could give life to flat and colorless copy. So I figure I should throw my hat in the ring. The article that I edited centers around a game in which kids and parents label objects in the home (lamp, rug, couch, door, etc.) and craft decorative pointers out of wooden spoons. The kids then direct these pointers at the words while reading them back to the parent.

So I spend WAY too much time on this thing but I really felt like I nailed it. I was certain I’d receive a callback but it never happened. What do YOU guys think? I’ll just include the opening:

Want a Verbal Virtuoso? Follow These Pointers
Demystify the written word for your little one by labeling everyday objects around the house. After a little practice, encourage your budding young grammarian to conduct reading tours for houseguests. With a decorative pointer in hand, your child becomes the all-powerful docent of diction as she guides visitors on her wild word safaris.

This confidence-building exercise is the perfect opportunity to sharpen reading and writing skills—and flaunting these skills for family and friends is great motivation to practice!

I just had a thought: What if these bastards steal my shit? Is this piece of writing their property now? No way—right?

I Love the Internet...

2011-03-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

...but find it distressing how quickly a visit online becomes rudderless and meandering.

Take this visual map I've constructed (above) as an example. It began innocently as a search for a job on Craigslist; then I became curious about the tsunami, so I went to Huffington Post but was quickly distracted by the gossip/entertainment stories—I clicked on one (forget which) and within that story Mischa Barton's name appeared. So my attention turns to the status of Mischa's career. I search and discover she was arrested for a DUI and drug possession (check out her mugshot above) and was linked to Cisco Adler before she dumped him after this NSFW photo surfaced. So then I wanted to know more about this cornball Cisco Adler. Turns out he fronted two shitty bands: Whitestarr and Shwayze. Then I realized his dad is the famous music producer and Cheech & Chong director, Lou Aldler. This was the only useful byproduct of an otherwise fruitless bout of surfing—because after I search for Mr. Adler, I discover that he's the guy who's always sitting next to Jack Nicholson at Lakers games. And I've always wanted to know who that guy was!

This isn't a beer belly...

2011-03-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

...it's a sunshade for my feet.

Funny shirt I saw some old guy wearing.

New start-up specializing in matronly and homely nanny referral

2011-03-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

Hope this little gag post doesn't ruffle the feathers of my
fem-dom fangirls out there. I mean no disrespect, but I spend lots of time with groups of toddlers and their caregivers and I'm always surprised when I see young, attractive nannies. Not every dad behaves like Jude Law, but why do these moms take the chance?

Losing My Mind?

2011-03-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

So we go to Pete's Deli (thanks Andrew M. from Yelp for photo above) right on Divisadero pretty frequently before I drop off my wife at work. And the other day I'm busing all of our shit on the way out and I toss everything in the garbage and my wife says to me, "You just threw the forks in the garbage!" And I go, "they were plastic though, right?" "No, they were metal--not disposable." So she says I should pay more attention. Can't argue with that. Lately I've been feeling mucho distracto--not all there to be honest. So this morning as I'm busing our stuff, I'm very careful to hang on to the forks and place them on top of the trash unit with the trays. But this time, I throw out our ceramic plates! Is this normal?

Where's Emilio in all of this?

2011-03-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

It's Official

2011-02-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Dennis Eatenhog and Curtis Chen are no longer an item. The formerly cosy twosome were spotted at SFO and their body language spoke volumes; Curtis pretends to study the arrivals screen while Dennis stares off into space, stunned.

Walk On By:

What a poker face that Curtis is:It's not a dream:Gotta keep moving:A face in the crowd:

Outdated slang

2011-02-10T10:47:00.001-08:00

Really into using outdated slang these days. Yesterday, my word of choice was "Madblunted." I was using it with my wife and she pleaded with me to stop. What does that even mean? I think it has the same meaning as "trippy." Trippy--that's my new one for today.

Oh my lord

2011-02-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing as water ants?

2011-02-04T06:20:00.000-08:00

My wife thinks so because we have an ant problem yet our kitchen is spotless. My wife is an obsessive cleaner; nary a negligible Tom Thumb of a crumb is left on the kitchen counter or floor. The ants seem to be attracted to wet dishes just taken out of the washer. They also hang out in the sink and I've seen them in the bath tub. I personally think they're just retarded or desperate ants. I've never heard of ants that can subsist on water.

Uncle Sally's Brain Busters!

2011-01-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sally is back in the building for some guest-blogging! Today, he's launching his new series of discordant verbo-visual pairings. Verbo-Visual--that'd be a good name for a branding company (I actually stole that term from the intro of Bo Bergstrom's Essentials of Visual Communication).

Down-market fragrances

2011-01-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

Saw these all in Walgreen's. Doesn't Usher at least deserve to be sold at Macy's?

Backlash--The Undeclared War Against American Women

2011-01-24T06:32:00.000-08:00

Thought about this book after reading an essay on The Feminine Mystique in The New Yorker this morning. I bought this book in '91 whilst a student at the hallowed halls of Diablo Valley College. I was a bit of a Dandy-fop to begin with; a typical costume draping my lithe, Sprockets-dancer frame featured an oversized, Generra aqua mock-turtleneck; a baggy pair of Marithé François Girbauds held up by a braided, brown leather Gap belt; and a water-resistant pair of Timberland wingtips which my friend labelled "Bitch-getters." With this book in my hands, my image as the ultimate fish-out-of-water--the 212-sophisticate amongst the CoCo County rubes--would be complete. Unfortunately, my countless sham readings of this book in the middle of the quadrangle never won me the progressive temptress for which I was angling.

I never read much of the book save the chapter on Fatal Attraction which was heavily publicized. Read dope, Guardian-UK-breakdown here:

"The backlash is not a conspiracy," she writes, "with a council dispatching agents from some central control room, nor are the people who serve its ends often aware of their role ... for the most part its workings are encoded and internalised, diffuse and chameleonic."

Faludi describes in forensic detail the mechanisms of the backlash against women: the myths of bra-burning, man shortages and barren wombs; the bad and biased reporting of shoddy social science; the plastic surgery and the ludicrous excesses of the cosmetic industry; the repackaging of the independent woman in Hollywood as exemplified by the extraordinary story of how, in pre-production, Fatal Attraction warped from a story about a single woman treated badly by a callous married man into the story of a crazed harridan seducing, then torturing a great family guy;

Does anyone remember the name of that Matthew Broderick movie where he lived in Manhattan and worked at a Dean & Deluca's and perpetrated the same fraud of pretending to read this book?

The world's first artisanally crafted blog

2011-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

click to view full-size--blogger likes to shrink my images:

Combi Visuell

2011-01-08T07:51:00.001-08:00

Sick-ass logo I ripped off from a line of Swedish encylopedias I saw used as props at IKEA. The original looked even nicer in a metallic gold which I couldn't reproduce:

Absolutely disgusting rebranding of NAMBLA

2011-01-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

Can't believe these jokers are showing their faces again. The National Man Boy Love Association now calls themselves "Fondle." Take a look at that image--is that his arm or something else?

Sniglets

2010-12-29T07:14:00.001-08:00

I grew up reading Sniglets books. A Sniglet is any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary but should. Voit-lock occurs when a basketball becomes wedged between the backboard and the rim; Cheetle is the orange substance that coats your fingers after eating a bag of Cheetoes; Brattled is the unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.

Sniglets are the brainchild (hate that word) of Rich Hall, an undersung member of one of those early-80s SNL casts headlined by folks like Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy. Either my brother or me would get the new Sniglets book and/or calendar each Christmas. My childhood friend would make fun of me when he saw these books; they were so Porter he would say; I was never sure what he meant at the time but now I do. He meant that the Sniglets' brand of humor was the perfect match for our comedic preferences: funny yet inoffensive and middlebrow and in no way edgy or challenging. Much like the more successful Sniglets' contemporary, The Far Side, another Porter Family favorite. Maybe that's not the best example; The Far Side was actually kinda subversive, but you get the idea. So maybe he had it half-right. The truth lies somewhere in the middle; my dad also owned a copy of Richard Pryor's That Nigger's Crazy. Wish I told him that.

In any case, frying an egg is what got me thinking about Sniglets. I thought of a great Sniglet: Egglad: The outermost, albumenic portion of a fried egg which transmutes into a brittle, diaphanous, clingwrap-like material after cooking. Don't you hate that part of a fried egg? It's edible, but you don't want to eat it, do you?

Stair Slide

2010-12-28T05:39:00.000-08:00

So I'm out at my folks' house watching my daughter who's still learning to walk down the stairs when the idea for my first million came to me: the StairSlide! It would be the perfect product for 1- to 3-year-olds. Parents wouldn't have to watch so carefully as their child descends the stairs because they'd just slide down! But Google--the ultimate patent clerk--directs me, in a nano- second, to this photo:Some rich London architect beat me to it and made one for his kids. But has it been mass-produced?? Maybe I still have a shot.

This shit

2010-12-23T06:00:00.001-08:00

Does embarrassment build character?

2010-12-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

Is humility gained through humiliation? I got to thinking about this after reading (warning: contains naughty NSFW pic!) this blog posting. It's a blog I stumbled across written by a former porn star (Ashley Blue) who left the biz and is now a writer and artist. She speaks candidly about her past and is writing a memoir called Girlvert.

Anyhow, it got me thinking about some of my cringe-worthy moments. The cringe-worthiest is no doubt my interview for the JET Programme (here's a short description from their website: The Japan Exchange and Teaching (JET) Programme invites university graduates from overseas to participate in international exchange and foreign language education throughout Japan.).

I applied to this program after being urged by a friend of mine. I was single and bored and working a shitty, dead-end job at the time. My friend knew I was unhappy and he had a JET-alumnus homie who spoke very highly of his experiences. It apparently changed this guy's life; he became more confident and open and of course, my friend didn't fail to mention, he cleaned up with the ladies. I won't lie--it was a motivating factor, although not the only one by any means. I mainly just wanted an escape from cubicle life. I wanted an adventure and to travel and live in a foreign country. I really had no interest in being a teacher though. Teaching is something I have no natural aptitude for; I'm not good at explaining shit verbally. So anyhow, I jump through the extensive preliminary hoops: completing a long application detailing my scholastic and job histories; obtaining two letters of recommendation; and writing a long essay explaining my interest in the program. I clear this first hurdle and receive an invitation to interview at the Kabuki Hotel in Japantown. I'm excited but terrified. I'm always terrified before interviews.

So I put on my Botany 500 Couture navy suit with muted white pinstripes (purchased by my dad from The Men's Warehouse for my first interview out of college) and head over the bridge to Japantown. I nervously pace the lobby while muttering my already rehearsed-to-death talking points. They call me in and I greet and shake the hands of three interviewers seated at the long, Last Supper-like table which faces my lonely chair. First guy is a frumpy (is that word ever used to describe men?) middleaged Japanese-American man with a moustache and glasses. Second one I forget and the third is a homely but friendly older white lady with a nice smile. Hardly an imposing group but I wasn't expecting to be interviewed by three people. They launch right into it with the Japanese guy (I'll call him Naoki) taking the lead. He wants to start the interview off with a little role-playing: pretend this is your first day of class in Japan; we're going to pretend to be Japanese eighth graders, he says. He tells me to stand up and introduce myself. Meanwhile, they get right into character with Naoki enjoying this charade a bit too much; he points at the silly Gaijin (me) while snickering and whispering into the ear of the interviewer on his left. It was very unnerving and I understand this is precisely why Naoki felt this bit of theater was necessary, but I wasn't expecting it at all.

So I try to ignore Naoki and introduce myself in English; I go on to say I'm from San Francisco. Naoki looks at me while offering one those extended "Ehhhhhhs?" used frequently by Japanese speakers to express shock or confusion. Sensing he wants further explanation, I start mentioning the Golden Gate Bridge and other tourist landmarks. He still is acting confused and at this point I really don't remember what happened. I was a bit rattled and moments later I think I just sat down and decided this part of the interview was over. I should of just left the room without saying a word; like a battered fighter who can't see out of one eye, I should've thrown in the towel. But I decided to soldier on. Perhaps if I aced the traditional question-and-answer portion of the interview, I'd be OK.

So next, the nice-smile lady (I'll call her Eleanor) asks me if I knew any Japanese. I tell her no, but mention that I do know a song called "Donguri Koro Koro". It's a children's song I learned on a family trip to Japan in the mid-'80s. This was a dumb move to mention this song because obviously Eleanor's follow-up question is to ask me to sing it. I guess I knew this--perhaps I thought a moment of lightness would change the mood--but strategically, it was suicide. It's like a Japanese guy trying to land a job by singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." As I'm singing, I look over at Naoki in the hopes of finding some evidence that I've won him over. He still has that confused look on his face; but this time he's not in character. He wasn't only confused, there was also a look of disgust on his face. Maybe he felt insulted--like I was treating his interview like a circus. Why is this guy even here, he must've been thinking? Which is more or less what he asked me next.

So, Daniel, why do you think you're well suited and prepared for the JET Programme? I forget exactly what my answer was. But I do remember opening by saying some bullshit like "Well, Naoki, there are a confluence of factors that make me the ideal candidate." Confluence? I don't know how I even used that word with a straight face. The factors were probably something about my interest in participating in a cultural exchange and god knows what else. The point is Naoki sniffed out my motives. He knew I wasn't the ideal candidate. But on to the larger point about embarrassment building character. I'm not sure it did in this case. It made me realize I didn't want to be a teacher for sure. And it still embarrasses me even now. But I suppose I am tougher having suffered through that. As far as interviewing, that had to be my nadir. And I hope I don't reach it again.

So yesterday

2010-12-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

I was at a Potrero Hill Starbucks trying to get some work done while they were blasting Josh Groban. I've never been a fan of his music; just much too overwrought for my tastes. But after doing a search on him I came across this gem: Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! is one of my favorite things of all time. It always makes me happy. So to see this dude making fun of himself (and doing it hilariously) made me love him. Also, I must confess, I think I actually do like his music (mainly the song "Higher Window) now! And I hear Rick Rubin is producing his latest album which should be interesting.

note: small, hysterical details that I discovered in the eighth or ninth viewing of this video: at the very end of the video, the voiceover guy calls him "Grubman" and then says "not available for sale."

Weird dream last night

2010-12-02T06:41:00.001-08:00

I was a handyman at the Kardashian/Jenner compound, readying the dining room for a large gathering. I had to drill some holes into a table while Bruce Jenner was trying to eat. I was making a fair amount of racket and he passively voiced his displeasure by shaking his head and shooting a disproportionate grimace in my direction. I wanted to bite my tongue as I didn't want to bite the hand that feeds me, but I couldn't hold it in. I looked up at him and shouted "you should've just left the table and given me the space I needed to do my job!" He got up and started yelling at me while jabbing an angry finger in my face and then stormed off. I was freaked out--thought he was off to get a gun or something.

Blog dreams--are they a good look? Do they work as a form of entertainment? I know when people tell me their dreams I find myself getting bored.

So I'm at Kinder-Gym

2010-11-24T06:13:00.001-08:00

with my daughter. It's a class for 1- to 2-year-olds at the JCC in Laurel Heights--they set up plastic slides, balancing beams, and little play houses and kitchens. My little Clodsie loves it and it's a great chance for her to socialize as she's not in day care or pre-school yet. Anyhow, I'm usually the only dad there. The other caregivers are always either mums or nannies. But one day there's this youngish Indian dad there and we get to talking and I mention that I'm between jobs so I'm here a lot. Sensing an opening and a chance to commiserate with another laid-off dad, I say, "You, too, huh?" He says, "yeah--I just sold an internet company so I could spend some time with my daughter now." "Oh, really? Good for you," I say. I really just felt like punching this asshole in the face. Man, only in San Francisco. I need to move to Ohio or someplace where the rest of the laid-off losers are and we could play poker and watch daytime ESPN with some shit like The Strongest Man in the World competition while our kids play together.

These are all shots from Kinder-Gym. Here you can see Claudia with her beloved "Gangee" (my dad):

Funny comment

2010-11-18T10:03:00.001-08:00

from a stupid article called "How Black People Use Twitter." It's also funny how Olsafp had to give it up to jayblackcomedy--he gave him a thumbs-up even tho he was pwned by JBC. Pwned--do kids still used that? Stole it from my nephew along with "fail."

Do you think Nick Lachey

2010-11-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

has any male fans?

The Anti-Bro

2010-11-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

Never been a big-time "bro." You know, the kind of bro every other bro wants to hang with. It was always like, "Oh, Dan? Oh, sure, he can come." More of a chime-in occasionally, side-kick type of bro. I was never setting the agenda or driving the content of an evening out with the bros. I've always rode the coattails of a more charismatic alpha-bro. So I was surprised to hear the post-game commentary from my brother-in-law after I hung out with him and one of his bros. He told me his bro said "Your brother-in-law is like the coolest dude I've ever met!" That's a type of bro-love I've never received. Felt good. What's the next step? Call him and invite him out for a beer?

Golden Gate

2010-11-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

Think it'd be a possible to place a moratorium on all logos using the GG-bridge as a graphic element?

Groundhog Day

2010-11-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

While purchasing "bandee" (banana) bread for my daughter at the Academy of Sciences cafe I have the following conversation with the cashier:

I like your glasses!

Thanks.

Where'd you get them?

Eye Gotcha in the Castro.

Is that ON Castro?

I think so.

How do you spell it?

E-Y-E then "gotcha."

The following week I had the exact same conversation with him! I didn't want to embarrass him so I didn't say anything as I answered each of his questions for the second time. I just figured he'd remember on his own but it never happened. Weird.

Don't you like Carlos? Wish I could be his friend. I'd almost consider a roll in the hay with him because he looks like so much fun. I got that pick from Yimmy's Yayo, by the way.

I voted for the sit/lie ordinance

2010-11-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

And now I regret it. I voted yes because I had all those Haight Street losers in mind who hang out with their pit bulls and try to sell you weed. But I didn't even think about homeless people! I park near my wife's work every day on one of those side streets south of market and I always see this homeless guy with his dog and wife/girlfriend. Every time I see him he's lying down reading and petting his dog. I didn't think of that guy. :(

What's the difference

2010-10-24T07:32:00.001-07:00

between a humorist and a comedian?

Red Card

2010-10-24T06:09:00.001-07:00

That'd be a cool name for a soccer apparel company.

Black Scirocco

2010-10-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Brian Jonas from high school had a black Scirocco. He'd scoop me up and drive me to school if he saw me walking. I remember entering the dark interior and settling into the cushy leather while he loudly bumped Cabaret Voltaire and The Toy Dolls. It was a stick and I remember him busily shifting the gears and watching the metallic shaft dart about in its skirt of stitched black leather.

He was incorrectly labelled a "Mod" as were all New Wavers at my school. He also skated and built a half-pipe in his backyard. I couldn't "drop in" as they called it. For you non-skaters, that means to climb to the top of the ramp, and with your front foot on the skateboard, shift your weight forward and descend down the ramp. I tried once and took a hard fall. So thereafter, when it was my turn I would just start in the middle of the ramp and gyrate back and forth to generate speed.

But one time my dad stopped by to say hi and tell me it was time for dinner. One of my buddies said hey, Dan (I went by Dan then), you should try to drop in again for your dad. There was really no way out. I couldn't risk looking like a pussy in front of all my friends and my dad. So I get all the pads on and climb up. Everyone's watching. I drop in and fall into a crumpled mass on the masonite; my skateboard shooting out from under me and up the other side of the ramp.

That was probably one of the most humbling moments of my life. Looking back I've always took solace that my friend wasn't trying to humiliate me--he had faith in me and wanted me to conquer my fear in front of my dad, right?

note: the image you see is a compilation of screen-shots taken of a malfunctioning media player from Huffington Post. I call them digital pap smears.

As Real as It Gets

2010-10-08T09:47:00.001-07:00

Has anyone seen this ad for a new rap album around town? I've seen it on huge billboards and buses and I've never even heard of them. I wonder how they're funding their marketing. Another BMF-type enterprise? Just saw the Gangland on BMF (love that show). I had no idea Young Jeezy was affiliated with them.

Am I a bad person for laughing at this?

2010-10-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

via Weird Dude Energy.

I don't think it's the same as laughing at Jeri from Facts of LIfe which my friends at the time did. That was fucked up. The thing about this guy is I think he wants you to find it amusing--and he wants you to enjoy the song--and I did both. But ethics aside, he's actually a good singer. I think the beatboxing (is that intentional?) is a nice touch and his mimicry of the Stipester's hand-flutterings is spot-on. Nice job, mate. Why do the Brits love R.E.M. so much?

Frank Rich Is a Great Writer

2010-10-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

Check this graf from a recent column about Christine O'Donnell:

The once obscure governor of Alaska was also tripped up by lies and gaffes when she emerged on the national stage, starting with her misrepresentation of her supposed opposition to “the bridge to nowhere.” But she quickly wove the attacks into a brilliant cloak of martyrdom that positioned her as a fierce small-town opponent of the coasts’ pointy-head elites. O’Donnell, like Palin, knows that attacks by those elites, including conservative grandees, only backfire and enhance her image as a feisty defender of the aggrieved and resentful Joe Plumbers in “real America.”

That bolded bit is bonkers. If I could write one sentence as good as that I'd die happy.