'I Want Monopoly for Christmas'

Well, if that's the case, then you needn't look any further than your local christmas tree lot. Because one outfit appears to have "the game on lock" as they say in the hip hop parlance. That's right my friends, the monopoly appears to be alive and well in the US of A--thriving, in fact--in the form of Delancey Street Christmas Trees (DSCT).

DSCT operates in every state with very little competition. The competition they do have is routinely subjected to strongarm tactics and often forced to shut down. According to an affidavit on file with the Better Holiday Business Bureau (BHBB), a watchdog group committed to prosecuting nefarious pumpkin patch and tree lot operators, one man was tarred and feathered, humiliated in front of the townsfolk and run out of town.

Now, I know what you all are thinking and I'm well aware of DSCT's mission statement--they are a charitable organization pledged to assisting recovering substance abusers by providing them with a clean start--this is a noble goal. But DSCT has grown far too big for its own good. As Lord Acton once said "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I suggest we open the industry up to other players
--let's not be so single-mindedly devoted to one afflicted group. What about recovering pedophiles or compulsive gamblers? What about cult group escapees? Battered women? The sexually abused children of polygamists? It's important that we level the playing field of the beleagured... and on it we shall plant seedlings that will one day grow into non-Delancey Street trees.

lyrics to go

Murder one, electric chair, I don't deserve the fun--but I get the dough, shit, I might splurge on one.

Cam'ron

In-flight magazines? Still grounded...

Whenever I fly, I'll usually pick up a Details or a Rolling Stone as reading material for the trip. Bear in mind this is only due to the mass market selection available to me at the airport. Not to knock these magazines--both are nice reads--but given my druthers, at a more comprehensive newsstand, I'd most likely opt for the latest issue of Under the Radar. (yup, that's for you two, z and nick! Be sure to check for me here at the nightcap, weekly, if not daily, for you're sure to be on the receiving-end of a shoutout from time to time.) However, this time, nothing jumped out at me and I didn't purchase a magazine. I decided to take my chances with the in-flight entertainment--Southwest Airlines Spirit and SkyMall.

I have a treat for you, dear readers--the photos you see above are pictures taken from the actual issue of Spirit that I read on the plane! The first one is a piece on the boot company, Frye. I like the pun in the title "American Frye," bringing to mind the Don Mclean song, "American Pie" and the teen sex movie of the same name. It's almost as clever as the title of this post. In case you missed the deeper meaning, they're saying that the Frye boot is an American classic--much like apple pie.

The second photo is taken from the profile on Casper Van Dien, the actor who appeared in a few episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 and then Starship Troopers and hasn't been seen much since. Therein lies the logic behind the title--Casper the Hunky Ghost--he's performed a disappearing act if you will. Now, I can think of plenty of actors who've been a minor hit for second, only to completely disappear--William Zabka comes to mind (the blond guy who always played the popular prick/bully in movies like The Karate Kid, Back to School and Just One of the Guys)--but that doesn't mean they're worthy of a 4-page profile in an airline magazine. I realize Spirit isn't competing with Vanity Fair for the latest Clooney interview, but if you're doing a where-are-they-now piece, I'd suggest aiming a little higher and going for, say, a Christian Slater. Anyhow, they talk about Casper's hobbies (laser tag, cooking) and how he's now married to his high school sweetheart and owns a small cattle ranch somewhere in Montana.

The next two photos are ads actually. The first one is for some outfit called "sticklers" that sells stickers I guess. Really stretching with the aviation tie-in there. Not sure why it's even necessary. The second one is an ad for a medical practice. I'm trying to figure out why the three of them are sitting in front of what looks like an enormous jukebox. Just an extremely oddball approach marketing-wise. Doing absolutely nothing to engender the sort of trust one would want to have with their medical professional. Nor is that Rollie Fingers-looking motherfucker on the left.

So there you have it.. not a pretty picture. This is what I'm thinking--maybe we should pool our talents and start a new airline magazine. I'm sure we could inject some new blood into this moribund industry and take it into the sky--perhaps even mile-high!

Which cleaning product mascot do you prefer?

I'm inclined to vote for Mr. Clean. His appeal is more timeless whereas Brawny man is a li'l too marlboro man- and '70s porn star-ish for my taste. I'm surprised they haven't updated his look at all. Although I'm sure he went over really well during the Tom Selleck/Burt Reynolds male standard of beauty era. He also comes off as overly wholesome and square for my tastes. Mr. Clean is a bit more of an enigma. He keeps you guessing. Speaking of which, I'd venture to guess that Mr. Clean has been through some shit in his life. He looks like he's done a 7-year bid for crissakes. He's of the streets yet cosmopolitan at the same time. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of sitting down and playing some Gershwin at a cocktail party.

So there you have it -- I'm raising my glass to Mr. Clean. Brawny should save the mountain man/paul bunyan mascot for power tools.

I'm interested in how any of you women out there (all 2 or 3 of you) feel--because these products are marketed toward women. I actually can see how Brawny might appeal to middle-aged women as he looks like the kind of guy who'd have big hands. Older women seem to really go for that kinda thing.

Why leave a cucumber in your gym locker?

Especially when it's a nice, firm seedless concombre d'Angleterre? I was almost of a mind to take it home and whip up a salad..

Garrett and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I think I want to write a children's book with this title about this guy. Who thinks someone really did steal Garrett's wheels? Maybe I should call him and ask.

random spam text -- the madlibs of the Internet generation

So I guess I'm taking it back to the genesis of this here blog with my
latest entry. For those of you who don't remember, the name of this blog came from the subject line of a spam email. I wanted to share some recent ones that cracked me up:

children will up offer brainy lesser endowed primary secondary
level getting students volunteer coaching weaker pupils. Whose job anyway.
cant expected think these things. hard making living keeping house
caring family takes creation but also less can Well many ways Lets look place where home. Ours evolved society has reached stage. Gerai Roadworks clear military
rockers big pals Fuck.

A creaking door hangs longest. A good beginning makes a good ending. He
travels fastest who travels alone A tree never hits an automobile
except in self defense.

the way I wanted to, fool, and all the time you were egging me on
and me through jails and bars. I've had it! He unsnapped the straps of the
pack

eyes upon us until we had passed; then they completely museum resumed
their man policeman shop assistant and no one came. At last preserve
willows are a little thicker. That's the way. You're off!"
thunderclap.

You get the picture. Some are more nonsensical than others. Part of me thinks they are random, because it seems you just couldn't make these up--but if that's the case, how would you explain the nearly logical arrangement of subject and verb and narrative flow that some of these seem to possess? It's as if they've been yanked from a novel and someone's taken the time to muck them up and alter the wording. Perhaps someone's formulated a madlibs-like algorithmic template into which the computer merely drops the words. In any event, I want to be a part of this. My ADD/absurdist leanings might serve me well in this line of work.

I know I'd be a hit, if life would simply quit, upstaging me a bit

A line from the song "La Cantatrice," which appears on Modern Jazz Quartet's The Comedy, as sung by Diahann Carroll.

Frangelico and Butterworth

I'm thinking of getting these two together this weekend. They're both rather shy and would prefer meeting in the safety of a larger group. So if you're interested, please join us by all means. We'll be meeting at the brother's monastery just off 23rd. Juice and cookies will be served.

Why Is It Always Necessary for Architects to Wear Flamboyant Oversized Spectacles?

Can you name these three architects? First one to answer correctly will receive two free tickets to see Nickelback in Milwaukee.

lyrics-to-go 2

My moms died from secondhand smoke; I wish yo' ass would die
from them secondhand rhymes you wrote
Or should I call them second rhymes - written seconds 'fore you enter the booth
Words thrown together with very little truth

Lyrics-to-go

This will be the first of many postings featuring rap lyrics. This is one verse of Armand van Helden's "Full Moon" ft/ Common, and it goes out to my lovely wife, Vicky, who loves this song. It's an ode to the nightclub and it does get a little raunchy, so please don't let it reflect badly on my dearest Vicky. She's still every bit the gentlewoman. And, uh, it's much better WITH music, so if you're interested, do holler and I'll send you an MP3 (If I can figure out how to do that).


Follow me like one time
Everybody love me like they do the sunshine
Niggas just got off work
Time to unwind


Strobelight smokin thick
Got my mind made up
All night i'ma stay up and fuck a lot
But nah, I ain't a playa
Girl I'll house you
You in my hut
Thinkin of a rhyme trying to hold my nut
Armand on the cut Com Sense MC
Baby put that ass in the air where I can see
Feel free feel good
You ain't in the club trying to find a real love
I spill dubs on Heiny's and tequila shots
Where studs and chicks pee in the same spot
It's hot as hell
Freakshow on the dance floor Is that you I smell?
I'ma give that ass room
Better yet, let's fuck in the bathroom
If we have room it's a full moon.

Frankenstein's Nightime Habits

Can someone explain this ad to me? It's an ad announcing muni's new 1-5 a.m. hours and it features Frankenstein as a potential nightime rider. The connection was lost on me when I first read it and it still is to a degree.

Now, I've never read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, but my impression of the man, or creature, is that he mainly hangs out with his maker at the castle/lab. There IS that one night where he, in an agitated state, leaves and is chased by the torch-bearing villagers. But in the photo you see here, he looks perfectly composed and sober, and he's reading The Wall Street Journal for crissakes! This is not the look of a disturbed and impassioned monster, ready to leave the confines of his home and confront an angry mob.

Perhaps there are other instances I'm not aware of in which Frankenstein does venture out and get his freak on. I know there's a perception of monsters, ghouls and werewolves as being "creatures of the night"--hanging out at the graveyard, howling at the moon and generally "bringing the motherf###ing ruckus," to borrow a line from Wu-Tang. But I was never one to lump Frankenstein in with the rest of these Monster Mash-attendees. Frankenstein didn't WANT to hurt anyone. He actually was quite gentle and kind. It was by virtue of man's-inhumanity-to-creature, that he was made evil.

Am or right or am I right here?

Patrick Nagel After the Fall

Patrick Nagel's paintings of tall, athletic women with blanched skin became very popular in the '80s. He's one of those rare artists who, during his lifetime, is able to not only penetrate the clubby world of New York art dealers but also crossover into mass culture. You were very likely to find a Nagel right alongside a Lamborghini Countach or Heather Thomas poster in many a teenager's bedroom circa 1983-84.

But what happened to Nagel when he grew out of fashion? He was actually able to eke out a modest income for himself illustrating the storefront windows of hair salons and dry cleaning establishments. In fact, he's still at it right here in San Francisco as you can see from my two photos.

Meshach Taylor Fan Club Forming

Two words: Designing Women. We’re all familiar with the groundbreaking show which chronicles the lives and loves of four sophisticated Southern women. We can recite their names in our sleep: Suzanne, Julia, Mary Jo, and Charlene—each with a distinct personality: Suzanne Sugarbaker, the self-centered ex-beauty queen; Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne's sharp-tounged older sister nicknamed “the terminator”; Mary Jo, a divorced, single mother; and, of course, the naïve and trusting Charlene. How do they all get along? We don’t know, but we’re sure to laugh as we watch them try!

The “fifth Beetle” (I’m more inclined to think of him as John or Paul), if you will, is Anthony Bouvier, played by Meshach Taylor. The courier for the firm, Anthony is always ready with a disarming comment, keeping the girls on their toes, and, more importantly, keeping them honest.

Meshach not only has won an Emmy for his performance in the PBS-produced Huckleberry Finn, he’s also been in virtually every great ‘80s TV show—Hill Street Blues, The Golden Girls, ALF, Punky Brewster, and Ultra Warrior. All superlatives have been exhausted in describing his breakout performance in Mannequin as Hollywood Montrose.

I like to call Meshach a “Sasquatch” of the industry because he really is a giant in Hollywood. Just like the one sighting of Bigfoot in the Patterson-Gimlin film, we’ll only witness a figure like Meshach once in our lifetime.

In the inaugural meeting of The Meshach Taylor Fan Club, I plan on having everyone share their favorite Meshach Moments (MMs), engage in some DW Meschach-centric trivia, and share DW recipes. I’m going to confine the recipes to Meshach’s favorites for the first meeting. In subsequent meetings, we can branch out and share other castmember’s recipes (might I suggest Delta Burke’s bundt cake?). What I want everyone to keep in mind is that this is more a celebration of MESHACH than Designing Women.

If you're interested in attending the first meeting, please, do holler.

electric hand dryers

Have you ever been able to fully dry your hands on one of these using only one push of the button? I'm going to start a petition requiring that manufacturers extend the time of one dry cycle by about 3-5 seconds.. that's all we need right? Who's with me? I know, I know, you're thinking "why not just push it again?" I'll tell you why--because I don't need the additional 20 seconds. Those just end up being wasted.

spacebetween

I was editing a document not too long ago and I found it a little odd to come upon this sentence:

There was a spacebetween us.


I had to transcribe the edit in an email: "please insert a space between space and between."

Pretty weird, no?

the dirtiest building in san francisco

I'm always struck by how filthy this building is every time I drive by it. It makes me wonder why you don't see other buildings like it. Does anyone know where this building is?

let's get metaphysical!

Welcome to metaphysical nightcap!

This is our (I use the word "our" to confuse, much as the unabomber did when he first hit the scene and referred to himself in his manifesto as the "FC." Are WE a large organized militant group--or are these merely the isolated ramblings of a single disturbed individual living in a primitive shack in Montana? You decide for yourself.) first post!

I should explain how our title came into being. It was the subject line of a junk e-mail I received at work that was trying to sell viagra. I've always wondered how they come up with those. Is there an individual who comes up with these or are they generated automatically? I can't find an obvious connection between viagra/home loans/penis enlargement products and metaphysical nightcaps. Although an email with the "nightcap" subject line is much more intriguing to me than "low mortgage rates." Same goes for the "hiya" or "long time no see" subject lines of spam. But the jig is up on those. At this point, I'm fairly certain these aren't long-lost friends trying to contact me. So, try again email marketers!

Metaphysical Nightcap is an experiment in which the author will be dabbling in the creative process. Not really sure what exactly it'll consist of or where it's headed. Photos, thoughts, satirical pieces, discussion(s) involving rap music and politics.

Come, enjoy a nightcap with me,

dhp