Never owned a pair of Reeboks

Font Humor

The font is frankfurter with highlights--get it?

Stepping in a pile of dog sh*t and the death of brick and mortar shoe stores

The other day on my lunch break I stepped in a huge pile of dog shit. I limped around for a moment strategizing. Should I go back to work and wash my shoe in the bathroom sink? My work bathrooms aren't private so that would be too embarrassing I thought. I found a small patch of grass and tried the drag and dislodge approach. It wasn't working--grass was too dry and there was too much shit on my shoe.

Then I wandered over to Jefferson Street in front of the In 'n Out. Realized there were some nice pockets of water forming tiny lakes in the potholes close to the curb. So I dragged my foot through the tiny filthy puddles and then went to grab napkins from the In 'n Out to sop off the diluted feces from my shoe. Then I started feeling like an untouchable and imagined the throngs of German Wharf tourists were watching me. Looking down at my shoes, I realized my year-old Saucony's were expendable. There was a shoe store close by and I would go buy some new shoes.

So I enter the store (with my shoes still on!) and ask for a pair of 11 1/2 Sebago deckshoes. Didn't have my size. Next I ask for some of those ugly flimsy Tom's shoes that are so popular. No 11 1/2's again. Then some running shoes--Nikes and then Adidas--same result. So I walked out of the store without making a purchase and walked back to my sewer puddles. After 3 or 4 wadings, following each with vigorous napkin scrubbings, my shoe was damn near spotless.

I walked back to work and thought that if a shoe store can't close the deal with someone like me--someone at their most desperate and willingly spendthrift--then they have no chance. Book and record stores are closing first and next it will be the shoe stores.

Angry chimp on a mission to destroy all zoo visitors

That headline made me laugh out loud yesterday at work. So I read on:


Santino the chimp is getting meaner by the day -- which means he's thinking more like a human. The male chimp, notorious for pegging gawking visitors with rocks and other projectiles, has upped his game from simply throwing to now carefully stashing his weapons when no one's watching and preparing for his attacks like a military mastermind. His cunning plot involves heaping hay near the visitor's section, slipping his "missiles" underneath and waiting until the next group of unsuspecting humans arrives. Then, without warning, he unleashes the blitz. Thrilled scientists are impressed with Santino's sophisticated ability to foresee the entertaining screams and chaos he provokes, a trait that, unfortunately, sounds incredibly human.


And then this gem in the comment section:


What I would like to see is for a staged retaliation.. Have about 20 people pretend they are tourist and walk in from all directions and when he starts pelting them they return fire from all directions.. using an item that would not cause injury... etc. foam balls.. foam rocks.. Now let's see if he changes his tactics. Please video tape.. I would love to see the surprise on his face.


Forgot the commenter's name--sorry bro, but know this: you made my day!


One important point that the author failed to mention: yes, this may indicate the chimp has a more nuanced, strategic brain than we thought, but doesn't it also highlight that he's probably feeling depressed and unengaged? Maybe you fuckhead zookeepers need to redesign his enclosure and challenge Santino to use his brain with less anti-social activities... Geezus.

Girls go tech

It's been shown that most girls lose interest in math and science by the age of 8. So there's this non-profit called Girls Go Tech whose mission is to keep young girls engaged in the hard sciences as they grow older. Great mission--completely behind it--but this ad they air on the radio featuring a mom and her young daughter singing a self-modified version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" cracks me up. Who the hell has time to make up lyrics like this?


Twinkle, twinkle little star
You're a ball of gas that's very far.
32 lightyears in the sky.
Ten parsecs...which is [giggles] REALLY high.
Helium, carbon & hydrogen...
fuse to make our starry friend.

When it reaches supernova stage
It explodes with bursts of rage.
And if the star's mass is big and bold...
it will become a big black hole.

Together:
And if the star's mass is big and bold...
[laughing]it will become a big black hole.

Bridesmaids

Enjoyed it but was surprised to see an underutilized Tim Heidecker in the movie. In fact, I don't think he says a word in his role as Maya Rudolph's groom (is that how that word is used?). Why even have him in the movie? I wonder if it was a calculated comedic castration--you know, just to serve notice that it's hoes before bros in this movie?

FYI, is it just me or is this ad weird? Who are the Ohio girls?

Tom Ford

Was listening to a Ras Kass mixtape and he said "...bring the fly to your eye like Aeon Flux." Forget what the preceding line was the rhymed with Flux but I thought that'd be a good tagline for an eyeglass designer.