'I Want Monopoly for Christmas'

Well, if that's the case, then you needn't look any further than your local christmas tree lot. Because one outfit appears to have "the game on lock" as they say in the hip hop parlance. That's right my friends, the monopoly appears to be alive and well in the US of A--thriving, in fact--in the form of Delancey Street Christmas Trees (DSCT).

DSCT operates in every state with very little competition. The competition they do have is routinely subjected to strongarm tactics and often forced to shut down. According to an affidavit on file with the Better Holiday Business Bureau (BHBB), a watchdog group committed to prosecuting nefarious pumpkin patch and tree lot operators, one man was tarred and feathered, humiliated in front of the townsfolk and run out of town.

Now, I know what you all are thinking and I'm well aware of DSCT's mission statement--they are a charitable organization pledged to assisting recovering substance abusers by providing them with a clean start--this is a noble goal. But DSCT has grown far too big for its own good. As Lord Acton once said "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I suggest we open the industry up to other players
--let's not be so single-mindedly devoted to one afflicted group. What about recovering pedophiles or compulsive gamblers? What about cult group escapees? Battered women? The sexually abused children of polygamists? It's important that we level the playing field of the beleagured... and on it we shall plant seedlings that will one day grow into non-Delancey Street trees.

lyrics to go

Murder one, electric chair, I don't deserve the fun--but I get the dough, shit, I might splurge on one.

Cam'ron

In-flight magazines? Still grounded...

Whenever I fly, I'll usually pick up a Details or a Rolling Stone as reading material for the trip. Bear in mind this is only due to the mass market selection available to me at the airport. Not to knock these magazines--both are nice reads--but given my druthers, at a more comprehensive newsstand, I'd most likely opt for the latest issue of Under the Radar. (yup, that's for you two, z and nick! Be sure to check for me here at the nightcap, weekly, if not daily, for you're sure to be on the receiving-end of a shoutout from time to time.) However, this time, nothing jumped out at me and I didn't purchase a magazine. I decided to take my chances with the in-flight entertainment--Southwest Airlines Spirit and SkyMall.

I have a treat for you, dear readers--the photos you see above are pictures taken from the actual issue of Spirit that I read on the plane! The first one is a piece on the boot company, Frye. I like the pun in the title "American Frye," bringing to mind the Don Mclean song, "American Pie" and the teen sex movie of the same name. It's almost as clever as the title of this post. In case you missed the deeper meaning, they're saying that the Frye boot is an American classic--much like apple pie.

The second photo is taken from the profile on Casper Van Dien, the actor who appeared in a few episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 and then Starship Troopers and hasn't been seen much since. Therein lies the logic behind the title--Casper the Hunky Ghost--he's performed a disappearing act if you will. Now, I can think of plenty of actors who've been a minor hit for second, only to completely disappear--William Zabka comes to mind (the blond guy who always played the popular prick/bully in movies like The Karate Kid, Back to School and Just One of the Guys)--but that doesn't mean they're worthy of a 4-page profile in an airline magazine. I realize Spirit isn't competing with Vanity Fair for the latest Clooney interview, but if you're doing a where-are-they-now piece, I'd suggest aiming a little higher and going for, say, a Christian Slater. Anyhow, they talk about Casper's hobbies (laser tag, cooking) and how he's now married to his high school sweetheart and owns a small cattle ranch somewhere in Montana.

The next two photos are ads actually. The first one is for some outfit called "sticklers" that sells stickers I guess. Really stretching with the aviation tie-in there. Not sure why it's even necessary. The second one is an ad for a medical practice. I'm trying to figure out why the three of them are sitting in front of what looks like an enormous jukebox. Just an extremely oddball approach marketing-wise. Doing absolutely nothing to engender the sort of trust one would want to have with their medical professional. Nor is that Rollie Fingers-looking motherfucker on the left.

So there you have it.. not a pretty picture. This is what I'm thinking--maybe we should pool our talents and start a new airline magazine. I'm sure we could inject some new blood into this moribund industry and take it into the sky--perhaps even mile-high!