Tiger's Blood

I was eating my Tiger's Milk before my workout and recognized the typeface so figured I'd have a little fun with the Sheenster. Illustration is NOT mine--it's by a very talented fellow named Alex Pardee. Alex, if you want me to take this down, do holler.

Writing/Editing job

photo: from a site called Bikini Machines.

So I answer a job posting for a site aimed at parents of young children. They suggest activities for children that make learning fun. They specifically asked for writers possessing a snappy, punchy style to apply—someone who could give life to flat and colorless copy. So I figure I should throw my hat in the ring. The article that I edited centers around a game in which kids and parents label objects in the home (lamp, rug, couch, door, etc.) and craft decorative pointers out of wooden spoons. The kids then direct these pointers at the words while reading them back to the parent.

So I spend WAY too much time on this thing but I really felt like I nailed it. I was certain I’d receive a callback but it never happened. What do YOU guys think? I’ll just include the opening:


Want a Verbal Virtuoso? Follow These Pointers
Demystify the written word for your little one by labeling everyday objects around the house. After a little practice, encourage your budding young grammarian to conduct reading tours for houseguests. With a decorative pointer in hand, your child becomes the all-powerful docent of diction as she guides visitors on her wild word safaris.

This confidence-building exercise is the perfect opportunity to sharpen reading and writing skills—and flaunting these skills for family and friends is great motivation to practice!

I just had a thought: What if these bastards steal my shit? Is this piece of writing their property now? No way—right?

I Love the Internet...

...but find it distressing how quickly a visit online becomes rudderless and meandering.

Take this visual map I've constructed (above) as an example. It began innocently as a search for a job on Craigslist; then I became curious about the tsunami, so I went to Huffington Post but was quickly distracted by the gossip/entertainment stories—I clicked on one (forget which) and within that story Mischa Barton's name appeared. So my attention turns to the status of Mischa's career. I search and discover she was arrested for a DUI and drug possession (check out her mugshot above) and was linked to Cisco Adler before she dumped him after this NSFW photo surfaced. So then I wanted to know more about this cornball Cisco Adler. Turns out he fronted two shitty bands: Whitestarr and Shwayze. Then I realized his dad is the famous music producer and Cheech & Chong director, Lou Aldler. This was the only useful byproduct of an otherwise fruitless bout of surfing—because after I search for Mr. Adler, I discover that he's the guy who's always sitting next to Jack Nicholson at Lakers games. And I've always wanted to know who that guy was!

This isn't a beer belly...

...it's a sunshade for my feet.

Funny shirt I saw some old guy wearing.

New start-up specializing in matronly and homely nanny referral

Hope this little gag post doesn't ruffle the feathers of my
fem-dom fangirls out there. I mean no disrespect, but I spend lots of time with groups of toddlers and their caregivers and I'm always surprised when I see young, attractive nannies. Not every dad behaves like Jude Law, but why do these moms take the chance?

Losing My Mind?

So we go to Pete's Deli (thanks Andrew M. from Yelp for photo above) right on Divisadero pretty frequently before I drop off my wife at work. And the other day I'm busing all of our shit on the way out and I toss everything in the garbage and my wife says to me, "You just threw the forks in the garbage!" And I go, "they were plastic though, right?" "No, they were metal--not disposable." So she says I should pay more attention. Can't argue with that. Lately I've been feeling mucho distracto--not all there to be honest. So this morning as I'm busing our stuff, I'm very careful to hang on to the forks and place them on top of the trash unit with the trays. But this time, I throw out our ceramic plates! Is this normal?

Where's Emilio in all of this?