Switched to Tumblr

It's called Avant-Kitsch. Check it out.

Things I love right now

1. Ellie Goulding's "Lights." I know, old song, but I'm late on everything now.

2. Fransizkaner beer. I don't want to drink anything else now.

3. Haribo Fruity sour pasta candy.

It lubricates itself right in the package

Funny line from an ad for catheters I saw while eating breakfast at Orginal Buffalo Wings.

Sighing

I let a out a very audible world-weary sigh for my wife to hear after we dropped my daughter at daycare. She says "what's that?" And I took her literally and began to think what is sighing? Isn't sighing just a petulant or disgruntled form of meditation? Like meditation, there's deep breathing, but it's paired with a feeling of resignation that replaces the serenity of true meditation.

Should I get an MRI or a Dyson?

Trail Mix

Can't figure out why I continue to buy trail mix. I don't really like it, but it seems like I should like it. Seems like something an active, healthy guy would eat. Someone from an old Grape Nuts commercial. Funny, an old friend of mine who I no longer talk to had this rare ability to get at somebody's essence with a phrase like that. He had this friend who just looked really healthy--kinda dorkily handsome and earnest--not flashy. Very down-to-earth and approachable. Anyways, the first time I met this new friend of his, we went out to play pool. It was the friend's turn and he was off on the other side of the table and we were both watching him set up his shot. My friend looks at me and says "Grape Nuts commercial" and starts laughing. It was the perfect description for this guy.

Thanks, man/Hey, man.

Just realized I use these two expressions as unconscious class signifiers. Typically I'll use them only with working class people. The FedEx guy, the Latino busser at a shitty diner. But maybe not the uptight dorky white guy (me, in other words) who sells or rips my ticket at the movie theatre. So maybe it's also a racial thing. I'd never say it to an older guy (white black or whatever). So maybe the expression is just a bro-linking vehicle. Wait a second! Bro-link--I like that. Maybe a good name for an online community. Sounds like a good name for straight-acting gay cruising site. Bro-grind.

McDonald's Dollar Drinks, Any Size

Am I the only one who finds this deal confusing? Typically, when normal pricing applies, I'll always get the large drink. But when I'm thrown this curve ball, I'm not sure what I want. I guess I start to think that the additional soda is unnecessary or worthless if they're giving it away. Why do I need it? I think. So I wind up going for the medium or even the small.

Sorry, no photo--I have reached my Picasa limit. No idea there was a limit. Does anyone pay for more space?

My boss must think I'm an idiot

So I'm checking my Email Quarantine folder (spam folder) and I see an email from a very nice doctor I had emailed with recently titled "Sad news..please help." Here's what it said:

Hello,

I'm writing this with great grievance . I'm presently in Madrid,Spain. with my Family for a short vacation and we're stuck...And really it was unannounced. We were attacked by four armed robbers on our way back to the hotel where we lodged.we were robbed and completely embarrassed.

All our cash,credit cards and cellphone were stolen. We've reported the incident to the embassy and the Police but to my dismay they seem not bothered...their response was just too casual.Our flight leaves in few hours but We've got to settle our bills before We're allowed to leave....Now am freaked out....Please I need you to loan some money,I promise to refund you as soon as I'm back home. All i need is $1,750 .. Please Let me know what you can do?Write me back so I can tell you how to get it to me..

You guys are all thinking this is just one of those Nigerian scams, right? Well, you're right, but I didn't know this. I had never seen one of these scammers hijack one of my contact's email address and stationary, so I assumed it was true. I had my doubts, of course. Seemed odd to me that this most likely wealthy doctor couldn't just call her bank; also, why for someone with an advanced degree is this written so poorly? So I email my bosses the note and go:

I was checking my spam folder and amongst the Viagra ads I found this shocking bit of news from Julia Steppenwolf (do you know her?)


One of my bosses emails back:

;-)
Go ahead and send her some money. She sounds reputable....

Even after this email I still didn't completely doubt the authenticity of this doctor's request. But to give myself some credit, while I did still think she had been robbed, I thought maybe this was an attempt by her muggers--who now have her phone and contacts--to extract even more money--from her friends!

So I write back:

Maybe I’ll ask Stephen (our VP) if Betsy (our admin) can send her a check? Jokes aside, it is a horrible story but I wonder why she can’t call her bank? Maybe this email is from the robbers trying to get MORE money!

So my boss emails back:

You realize this is a spam phishing attempt, right? Not true...

Actually, no--I hadn't thought of that. Please don't fire me.

Socialcam

Now I know to stay away from this 'cation (tired of the word "app"). Once I saw this FB posting of my dad's, I told him about it and he said he never even watched that video! He had just clicked on a link his friend sent him which triggered this false perv post. So not only is FB stealing and selling our personal information, it's making shit up about us!

Crystal 2.0

Unconscionable reboot of the reviled street drug.

I bet Sandusky was eyeing this swoll hottie

escorting him from the courthouse.

Oh wait, he's not young enough--my bad.

Are any of you familiar with the term "swoll?" It means buff or ripped. My roommate from college always used that and I thought it was so weird. Oh man that dude is swoll.

Kardashian dream

Dream began with me being told "Kim wants you to ride in her car." I remember feeling excited. Next, we're at some huge, sprawling nightclub complex. Kanye is there and I just can't believe I'm hanging with them. So I start reciting some of his lines that I like (I could let these dream killers kill my self-esteem or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams) and he just politely smiles and nods his head.

Then I realize I really should get a photo of us together but I can't get my camera to work. Kanye and Kim start getting a little impatient and tell me they're going to get some beer and will be right back. So I wait and wait and then this older guy says "you have to leave now." I tell him I'm waiting for Kim and Kanye so he looks back at Kris Jenner who confirms that I do indeed have to leave. She tells me that Kim and Kanye are not coming back--and also I am informed that I have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for them before I leave.

Another Kimye item: I was thinking that a good nickname for them would be KKK. Agree?

Bonus pic is of me. Classic Daniel right there. Weird loner.

Ed Shultz

Jason Linkins had a hysterical line about his coverage of Scott Walker's win:

I had some misgivings about the lead role Schultz was taking going into the night. Sure, he's well-sourced within the activist community that inspired the lion's share of the anti-Walker sentiment, but as it was pretty clear going into the night that Walker would prevail, having Schultz anchor the coverage was like watching a small child receive a lump of coal from Santa in slow motion.

My wife and I are taking this couple's workshop

It's titled "Body Image in your 40s and Beyond--Owning Your Sexuality in the Golden Years." Couples are encouraged to share a passionate (and naked!) embrace in front of the class. It actually seems like a very liberating exercise. We're up next week.

This couple seemed to really love each other:

Just playing! This is actually a sculpture--can you believe it? We saw it at an art festival at Fort Mason. I couldn't believe it wasn't real--thought they would jump up and scare me as I was inspecting them.

Never owned a pair of Reeboks

Font Humor

The font is frankfurter with highlights--get it?

Stepping in a pile of dog sh*t and the death of brick and mortar shoe stores

The other day on my lunch break I stepped in a huge pile of dog shit. I limped around for a moment strategizing. Should I go back to work and wash my shoe in the bathroom sink? My work bathrooms aren't private so that would be too embarrassing I thought. I found a small patch of grass and tried the drag and dislodge approach. It wasn't working--grass was too dry and there was too much shit on my shoe.

Then I wandered over to Jefferson Street in front of the In 'n Out. Realized there were some nice pockets of water forming tiny lakes in the potholes close to the curb. So I dragged my foot through the tiny filthy puddles and then went to grab napkins from the In 'n Out to sop off the diluted feces from my shoe. Then I started feeling like an untouchable and imagined the throngs of German Wharf tourists were watching me. Looking down at my shoes, I realized my year-old Saucony's were expendable. There was a shoe store close by and I would go buy some new shoes.

So I enter the store (with my shoes still on!) and ask for a pair of 11 1/2 Sebago deckshoes. Didn't have my size. Next I ask for some of those ugly flimsy Tom's shoes that are so popular. No 11 1/2's again. Then some running shoes--Nikes and then Adidas--same result. So I walked out of the store without making a purchase and walked back to my sewer puddles. After 3 or 4 wadings, following each with vigorous napkin scrubbings, my shoe was damn near spotless.

I walked back to work and thought that if a shoe store can't close the deal with someone like me--someone at their most desperate and willingly spendthrift--then they have no chance. Book and record stores are closing first and next it will be the shoe stores.

Angry chimp on a mission to destroy all zoo visitors

That headline made me laugh out loud yesterday at work. So I read on:


Santino the chimp is getting meaner by the day -- which means he's thinking more like a human. The male chimp, notorious for pegging gawking visitors with rocks and other projectiles, has upped his game from simply throwing to now carefully stashing his weapons when no one's watching and preparing for his attacks like a military mastermind. His cunning plot involves heaping hay near the visitor's section, slipping his "missiles" underneath and waiting until the next group of unsuspecting humans arrives. Then, without warning, he unleashes the blitz. Thrilled scientists are impressed with Santino's sophisticated ability to foresee the entertaining screams and chaos he provokes, a trait that, unfortunately, sounds incredibly human.


And then this gem in the comment section:


What I would like to see is for a staged retaliation.. Have about 20 people pretend they are tourist and walk in from all directions and when he starts pelting them they return fire from all directions.. using an item that would not cause injury... etc. foam balls.. foam rocks.. Now let's see if he changes his tactics. Please video tape.. I would love to see the surprise on his face.


Forgot the commenter's name--sorry bro, but know this: you made my day!


One important point that the author failed to mention: yes, this may indicate the chimp has a more nuanced, strategic brain than we thought, but doesn't it also highlight that he's probably feeling depressed and unengaged? Maybe you fuckhead zookeepers need to redesign his enclosure and challenge Santino to use his brain with less anti-social activities... Geezus.

Girls go tech

It's been shown that most girls lose interest in math and science by the age of 8. So there's this non-profit called Girls Go Tech whose mission is to keep young girls engaged in the hard sciences as they grow older. Great mission--completely behind it--but this ad they air on the radio featuring a mom and her young daughter singing a self-modified version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" cracks me up. Who the hell has time to make up lyrics like this?


Twinkle, twinkle little star
You're a ball of gas that's very far.
32 lightyears in the sky.
Ten parsecs...which is [giggles] REALLY high.
Helium, carbon & hydrogen...
fuse to make our starry friend.

When it reaches supernova stage
It explodes with bursts of rage.
And if the star's mass is big and bold...
it will become a big black hole.

Together:
And if the star's mass is big and bold...
[laughing]it will become a big black hole.

Bridesmaids

Enjoyed it but was surprised to see an underutilized Tim Heidecker in the movie. In fact, I don't think he says a word in his role as Maya Rudolph's groom (is that how that word is used?). Why even have him in the movie? I wonder if it was a calculated comedic castration--you know, just to serve notice that it's hoes before bros in this movie?

FYI, is it just me or is this ad weird? Who are the Ohio girls?

Tom Ford

Was listening to a Ras Kass mixtape and he said "...bring the fly to your eye like Aeon Flux." Forget what the preceding line was the rhymed with Flux but I thought that'd be a good tagline for an eyeglass designer.

Simply Amaze-ming!

I like his show but he needs to call it Simply Amazming-not Simply Ming.

It's funny how he's never able to develop much chemistry with his guests. He's better as a one-man show.

NY MOMA

Just flipping through some old photos and noticed this one I took at the MOMA of a Matisse. Isn't that his masterpiece? Just casually hung behind a stairway? Embarrassment of riches I tell you--just like the Yankees. It's not fair.

Embarrassment of riches, embarrassment of bitches. That's a nice kernel for a rap lyric right there. You can go ahead and use it. I got more where that came from.

Co-worker at the urinal yesterday

Told me about a funny Twitter feed--DadBoner. It was awkward urinal talk, but I'm glad he told me about it--it's FUNNY!

Funny one from yesterday: Don't remember much about last night except for smashin a toilet we found on the side of the road. Real satisfyin. So loud. Always rocks.

Funny ones about his buddy Dave's dad who just died:

I mean, when Dave's dad died, I took some work off right away. Didn't even know him either. I'm a go getter when it comes to showin respect.

I'm not gonna spring for "I'm sorry" 'za & cold ones for Dave's dead dad NOW. That ship's sailed, kimosabe. Death is forever, not sympathy.

Purveyor to Gentlemen

Kim Bop

Great idea for a K-POP magazine: Kim Bop. Kimbap is Korean sushi. Though it's usually not filled with raw fish. Bop is the name of the American tenny-bopper mag. So there you have it: Kim Bop. These are actual k-pop bands: 2 pm, Big Bang, The Bubble Sisters and Rain (not a band but just one singer guy who also acts and has his own clothing line). Gong Yoo and Hyori are actors I think.

I couldn't believe it when I stumbled across the Bubble Sisters pic. They perform in blackface and dress like Buckwheat and Aunt Jemima. K-POP seems to be making inroads in the US--I wonder how the Bubble Sisters' schtick will play over here. :)

Stefan Kanchev

I'm generally not a reposter but this guy's work is incredible. Like I posted on Mike Davis's excellent blog where I originally discovered his work, it's as if Stefan is able to articulate everything that I've only been capable of vaguely imagining. Check it:

Ben Horowitz

Read about this guy somewhere recently--either in The New Yorker or The Week--he's some Silicon Valley VC bigshot who dispenses management advice via rap lyrics. Not to take credit for what he's doing but I've always felt that way about rap. That it's very capitalistic--people say it's all about boasting but it's more about self-preservation and self-promotion; if you don't believe in yourself nobody else will; like this Kanye line: Now I could let these dream killers kill my self-esteem. Or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams.


I've had these emotive moments listening to rap on the treadmill where a line will hit me and I think man, I could be so much more successful if I just believed in myself and trusted myself more. That's what rap is capable of and it can be very empowering.

Horowitz posted a quote from the legendary trainer Cus D'amato:

I tell my kids, what is the difference between a hero and a coward? What is the difference between being yellow and being brave? No difference. Only what you do. They both feel the same. They both fear dying and getting hurt. The man who is yellow refuses to face up to what he’s got to face. The hero is more disciplined and he fights those feelings off and he does what he has to do. But they both feel the same, the hero and the coward. People who watch you judge you on what you do, not how you feel.


Alright--let's not be a coward anymore, DP. Anyhow, here's his blog if you're interested.

Hoegarden

Leave it to the Dutch to come up with the idea for a horticulturally themed brothel. Wow.

note: Thank you to onthinair from deviantart who designed the lipstick brushes I used for this.

What LinkedIn update emails should really say

Darn it's too small--you have to click it.

Hysterical

What is he even trying to say here? Can't figure it out.

Voice actors

I think I watch too many cartoons with my kid. Starting to recognize voice actor crossover. I was watching Arthur and I said to my daughter, "hey, isn't the librarian being voiced by the Caillou narrator?" And I also noticed that Sid the Science Kid's grandma sings on a number of Sesame Street songs. Not a surprise, really; both shows are produced by Henson offspring. So now my daughter has gotten in on the act--like the other day we're watching Caillou, and one of their better songs "Big Brothers" is on and she goes, hey that sounds like Buster (Arthur's best friend who's a bunny from Arthur) singing!

My weekend ritual

I try to give my wife some alone time on weekend mornings by taking my daughter out to the Laurel Heights Starbux. She'll have a chocolate milk and croissant and we'll cozy up on a leather couch and spend some quality time. And this morning as I was listening to the music I wondered how many more songs by singer/songwriter types can they play without me being able to recognize the artist? Who the hell are these people? Does Starbucks have their own label I thought? And after a quick search I realized, yes, they do! It's called Hear Music:They smartly decided not to cross-promote via Starbucks or via Via. Ha ha, get it, via? That's their new line of instant coffees. Also during my search I discovered this dope looking album from the 70s:I have no idea who this artist is but it looks like the kind of album I would take a calculated gamble on at Amoeba.

The rap label floss-factor spectrum

I was listening to the Poor Righteous Teachers' guy's new album (well, new from '07) and he mentioned the name of his production company: HaveNots Production. And it got me thinking about how that has to be the humblest rap label ever.

So I decided to construct this spectrum which would quantify the floss factor of rap labels. On the lowest end of the spectrum is HaveNots Production. They're so broke I couldn't even find a logo online.

Repping the Hoi Polloi's huddled masses is rumored Kanye-ghostwriter, Rhymefest, who recorded the album Blue Collar (I know, it's not a label).

In the middle is the UK label, Barely Breaking Even (BBE). But are they just barely in the red or just barely in the black? Don't know.

Then, on the far right with the highest floss factors are Roc-A-Fella records and Cash Money records. As you can see this is a work-in-progress so please send me the names of labels you think should appear on the spectrum.

Alex Wagner

Really enjoying her new talkshow on MSNBC. My wife thinks I have a thing for her but I really think she's got a face made for radio. Jokles. She does seem to have a fawning male fanbase as witnessed by the epigrammatic words of a YouTube commenter under her video: NEXT LEVEL DIMEPIECE!

The reason I watch is because she's funny and smart and her guests are too. Plus I love the music she chooses during the ins and outs between segments. Prior to her career as a political pundit, she was the executive editor of Fader magazine. That's amazing to me--how can you become an authority on two massive subjects that are so vastly different within a span of 10 years?

btw, the show is actually called NOW with Alex Wagner in case you want to check it out.

Gypsies

Are they really just media inventions designed to drive the sale of hidden travel wallets?