I don't care what anyone says

Brazil is a shitty movie.

He saw me buying granny panties

Who's the biggest mover and shaker in Hollywood?

Michael J. Fox. Ha ha. I made up a joke! You guys can use that one.

So hey, Jonathan Ekman and John Ascher, my two NYC homies, can you still identify this building after I've applied my lil' channel mixer?

Metaphysical--Olympic Edition

As you all know, Metaphysical will be live-blogging Beijing 2008. Thought I'd profile some of the lesser-knowns. Featured here is one of our athletes from a new competition: 1980s Michael Caine impersonations. That's a good look, Ashley. Trademark Michael Caine. Oversized Educating Rita spectacles. How about rounding out the look with an earth-toned, large-knit cardigan (Hannah and Her Sisters) or a pair of Blame it on Rio-Tretorns? You know, like the ones he wore while playing footsie with Michelle Johnson?


Speaking of the Olympics, this logo right here has got to be one of the illest reappropriations I've ever seen:

divorce suppressor windward

caress striate semester? breast, woodard breakpoint.
munson quadrangle wristband caress reclamation glamorous, suppressor
wristband whoa melinda laurence baud.

impregnable durrell.

If nightclubbing has seen a downturn

like everything else, out-of-work DJs should consider focusing on fitness instructors. They could really use some help. This past week I noticed this spin class lady playing Enya, Billy Joel and The Eagles.

btw, Konus makes the best brand of wolf telescopes hands-down. And no, they're not paying me to say that!

Please in ebay in this moment...

many clowns not serious person--please do not buy if not interest. this is not game--mario torelli.

I've noticed...

how those spam email marketers have taken the new tack of fabricating ridiculous headlines to get you to bite. Here are some I got recently:

Beijing Olympics cancelled, moved to Atlanta
Elton John dies in rocket ship
New Yorker cover art portrays Obamas as flag-burning, AK-toting Jihadists

Anyone else have one to share?


photo: Vicky Porter

New revelation: the Scorpions and Rollerball logos are nearly identical

Had to include this:



And this:

Ducky McFarland

I've got a pair of corneal abrasions and three refractive disorders

This dismal economy has got my brain working overtime. I'm gonna get rich or die trying. How about ophthalmological disorder playing cards as my route to riches?

It's that time of the year again...

Stretch out your hammies and lace them trainers up--it's time for the 2008 Metaphysical Marathon. Ebbet's field, 8 am sharp. Be there, people! As you can see this year's logo is inspired by Wimbledon's--rather smart looking--ain't it, mates?

p.s. - This is a pic from last year's race. The red dresses were my homegirl Sofonda Boyz's idea. They won't be required this year.

tell us about some totally cringe-worthy male behavior you've witnessed

Gotta love them SF parks

This here is the Edwards St. Annex park just off Geary near our apartment. Looks a bit like Paris's Luxembourg gardens, no? Thought I'd liven it up a bit with the new Metaphysical logo. You likey?

Skank alert! The beauty trend that makes stars look sooo trashy

You can keep your Tony Robbins, your Tony Littles--you can even keep Susan Powter--I'll take Mark Victor Hansen, thank you. This guy is the real deal, people. Before all those blow-dried, microphone headgear-wearing clowns were prancing around 10k+ auditoriums, Mark was working the smaller, intimate venues and preaching his gospel of "Total Prosperity." He helped me get through my first divorce and make my first million. Get with it and buy the book, nightcap clones!

Humongous erectile organ for Yasensia

Say what?

a tribute to the accidental subject

We're all familiar with these people. They're sure to creep into the frame of at least 10 percent of your treasured snapshots. These photographic interlopers have long been subject to scorn and ridicule--until now. I thought I'd give 'em some room to breathe on a canvas of their own. How do they look?

Hottie spotting--where your next boyfriend is hiding

So I'm awake at 4:30 a.m. yesterday morning and I hear someone knocking loudly on the door of the apartment above me. I'm very intrigued. Why is this person knocking at this hour? Is there music or an alarm clock on? Nope, aside from the knocking, it's dead quiet. Is there a leak from his toilet? This is a possibility since his toilet leaked into our bedroom. It has to be something really serious because this upstairs neighbor (I’ll call him Terry) of mine is mean and scary. Terry’s a personal trainer--tall, muscular and laconic. His body language is such that you just don't bother him--not even to say hi or offer a perfunctory wave or smile. He still hasn't answered the door. I know he's awake--I hear his footsteps creaking. The knocker resumes his knocking, then stops, then starts again. He finally answers this door! I'm scared for the knocker.

“Sorry to bother you,” he says.

I can’t make out the rest of what he says. I also can’t decipher Terry’s response. Not in the slightest. He’s doesn’t seem angry though. He just mumbles something. And then the knocker apologizes again and walks away. As far as I can tell, nothing has been resolved. I hear the knocker coming down the stairs and I get a glimpse of him--it’s my neighbor (I’ll call him Aaron) from next door. He sits on the last stair with his head in his hands. He gets up very slowly and leans his head against the wall. He goes back into his apartment. I tell Vicky about it and she seems curious, but she’s too tired to theorize with me. She goes back to sleep and I go to the gym.

I see Terry at the gym. I see him there every day. Never once have we said hi to each other, though. I go through my routine—15 minutes on the stationary bike, 15 on the Stairmaster, some jumping jacks, sit-ups and stretching. When I get back home, Vicky tells me that Aaron knocked again—two separate times. Now she’s as curious as I am. If there’s a leak, why isn’t he knocking on the owner’s door, we wonder? And why is he knocking on Terry’s door again when he already had his chance to settle his business earlier? Vicky asks me to tell Aaron that Terry is at the gym—because then he’d stop knocking. I ignore Vicky’s plea for now and jump in the shower. As I’m getting dressed, I realize Aaron has begun his fifth round of knocking. It’s time to speak with Aaron now, I’m thinking. I walk halfway up the stairway, turn my head around and see him—he’s half lying on the floor, with his upper-body slouched lazilly against the wall, his right arm extended and his fist clenched tightly, ready for another knock.

Hey, are you looking for Terry?

Yeah, sorry, am I bothering you? I won’t be much longer.

No, I’m already up, but Terry’s not home, I just saw him at the gym.

The one on Turk?

Yeah.

So what’s the matter, is there a leak or something?

Yeah.

You should go talk to Walter (the owner of the building). Is he home?

I don’t know. I hope I’m not bothering you,

No, not all, I just wanted to let you know that he’s not home.

Okay, it shouldn’t be much longer.

I say okay, walk down the stairs and realize I’m more baffled than before. When I get back into my apartment, Aaron starts knocking again! Why is he knocking? I just told him he wasn’t there. There obviously isn’t a leak. My question had merely provided him with an out. There’s something else going on. He continues to knock for another five minutes and then I hear him coming down the stairs. I look through my peephole and see only his arm, extended like an elephant trunk (the rest of his body remains hidden behind the wall), gesturing slowly, making circles with his hand and pointing, like one of those models on The Price is Right. Is this a show for me? Does he know I’m watching him? I finally see him emerge from behind the wall and turn toward me, on his way to his apartment. He’s walking very slowly, and now, his arms are rising to form two upside-down right angles, until he resembles a scarecrow. Now his forearms turn upward, and he poses like a bodybuilder. He continues to move slowly, at the pace of a tai chi practitioner. When he gets to his door, he realizes he’s locked himself out and he knocks. His roommate answers the door and asks if everything’s okay. Yeah, Aaron says. The door closes and I can't make out what's being said.

So what do you think is going on here? What is the connection between these two people? I should note I’ve never seen the two of them talk to each other. Terry lives a primarily solitary existence. He goes to work from 6 am to around 2 pm. He comes home, he plays his saxophone, he plays music, he vacuums. He seems solidly heterosexual. I’ve seen him with numerous women—and heard him satisfy each and every one of them. Is he a gigolo? Is Aaron a client? Oh, I should describe Aaron. He’s mid- to late-20s, attractive. I’ve seen him with a woman before. He’s a DJ. I hear him playing records all the time. In my mind, and Vicky’s, there really are only two possible scenarios. Drugs—most likely steroids. Terry gave Aaron some and he had a bad reaction. But Aaron doesn’t seem the type to take steroids. He looks like an Apple store employee, not a bodybuilder. Second option? There’s a sexual relationship. But neither of them seem gay. What do you guys think?

rape warning: one place you feel safe but shouldn't

I was abducted and stuffed into a trunk

I wanted to rename my blog "American Badass." Unfortunately it's already spoken for on blogger. My nephew suggested "American Badasses," which isn't taken, but then who would be the other badass?

chick behavior that baffles the hell out of guys

Five signs a guy is capable of rape

Yowzer! Forty percent of women do this in their sleep

Got some great shots during our li'l LA sojourn. These are from a huge Korean mall. I'm not sure why these two have been cast in Uncle Remus-like silhouette. Probably not the best look considering the long history of Black/Korean tensions in the area.



And can someone explain what sort of behavior is being discouraged here?

hari kari

the disturbing thing that happened while she slept

10 subliminal tricks that make people adore you

the 'harmless' habit that turns men off to you

feel-good tricks for totally blah days

weird male behavior--decoded

Summer outings

There was a period of time when I had a very limited social circle. So in order to meet people, I would show up at the gatherings of various schools, professional organizations and companies. This was the 2005 summer outing of the Micronanofluidic BioMEMS group at MIT. Prof. Jongyoon Han was very hospitable. They were all good people. I'm pictured there on the right behind that rock formation.

feel great naked

doesn't anybody

use hand models anymore?

metaphysical graffiti

How's my tag look? I'm ushering in a new era of net thuggery by calling out this Spock clown on my blog--you hear me, son? See how I crossed you out and marked your territory as mine? What up now?

Why are Stonyfield yogurt and Teri Garr in Yahoo search's top ten today?

This is one of my fav bano photos. I think it's at the Ritz Carlton or the Carnelian Room. Great bathroom, wherever it is.

the bold look of porter

I have a tendency to take photos of myself in bathroom mirrors. Not sure why that is. It takes a certain lighting to charm and seduce me. Next thing you know I've gone and made my mirror face...and then I just can't resist snapping a portrait. This isn't one my better ones. There'll be more to come.

Oh, and no, you won't find any footage of my wide-stanced, Larry Craig encounters here. I save those for my pseudonymous vlog. Good luck finding it!

BTW, this was taken at PS1--a museum in Queens. They've got some real edgy, experimental stuff. Check it out next time you're in NY.

Metaphysical reaches the century mark

Yes, this is MN's 100th post. This is an emotional time here at the cap. Blogging has transformed my life because it's allowed me to expose my pretenses to a wider public. Bearing this in mind, I'll be treating my fans to the truest exercise in narcissism: the self-portrait. Isn't it beautiful?

Funny thing I just noticed about this photo is my sweater matches all of the different tones almost perfectly.

come fly with me

The Sovereign Republic of Metaphysical Territories

I'm launching a new country. This is our flag. The man pictured there is our president--his name is Corey. He's an earnest looking fellow, don't you think?

just a photo

hot new fetish

I say we start a new site catering to this niche fetish. I already have tons of photos of Kardashian, Hilton and Lohan throwing up signs. I'm planning to hit mardi gras, all the hot clubs in Miami and LA--and anywhere else where there's drunk, college-aged women. I'll be the next Joe Francis! Who's with me?

MN--always in focus

Don't forget to have an eye exam once a year!

This is for all you Sex and the City fans

Ha ha--just playing. I like Big. I just think it's annoying when he says that.

Carrie: You ever been in love, Big?

Big: Absofuckinglutely, dollface.

nightcap weekend edition

Who can guess the source that I ripped off the logo-concept from?

no subject

photoshop fun

Had a bunch of photos of my friend Roger playing hacky sack and decided to put together a little montage. He's got a unique approach to the sport as you can see.