So I'm in the exam room

waiting for my doctor to arrive and I notice he has this photo framed:
Nice photo from one of those 1950s Time-Life photographers, Margaret Bourke White. Never heard of her but anyhow it got me thinking about how EVERY single man wore hats back then and I wondered how people would deal with hat head. I know when I take a hat off my hair looks fucked up--how did an entire generation deal with this affliction on a daily basis? Or was it not an issue because every guy's hair looked fucked up?

My biography? This will be the book cover

New blog name: Constant Comment

Just because I have so many comments. Get it?

Funny Tweed

from James Deen's Twitter:

People say porn is sexist but when was the last time you saw anyone other than a woman cleaning a house in an ad for windex!?!?!?!?

btw, James Deen is a porn star who has a huge female following. Heard of him from reading Andrew Sullivan's blog post about him.


photo courtesy of Brown that Banana.

Neanderthal wordplay

So my boss asks me to double-check quantities before sending the order in and I guess I misheard him because I checked and sent back this photo as confirmation:I said looks good to me--what do you think?

Never heard back.

I Choose Smirnoff

Kinduv a played out Drug/Alcohol ed. concept but this Smirnoff campaign was just too hard to ignore.

Recovery gifts

Stumbled on great recovery gift site. Should I get this as a bumper-sticker of T-shirt for my bro? Maybe I'll just get both!

JK, my bro isn't a recovering addict. I meant my sister! Ha ha. Another jokles, Ameles.

Realest song of all time?

I'm searching for riches I've had all the time,
finding out happiness is just a state of mind.

Let's all be thankful for our friends and family this holiday season

Tex Watson

If you're serious about reforming your image and being granted parole (which will never happen), why not change the picture on your website? It's the same crazed pic that accompanies every article I've ever read about the Tate/Labianca murders.

My wife I have different sleep patterns

Once I hit the pillow, I'm out. She has a harder time winding down and turning her brain off. She also wants to talk once we put Claudia down but I'm usually too tired. This results in some hilarious exchanges. Like the other night as I'm just about to fall asleep:

Vicky: I hate Jerry Sandusky.

me (groggily awaking): I know--he sucks (understatement of the century but that's all I was good for at that moment).

Vicky: You know what the biggest dream of my life is?

me: What?

Vicky: To own a piano.

me: asleep snoring.

Vicky: You didn't hear what I just said, did you? You never listen to me!

me: No, I heard you.

Vicky: then tell me what my dream is.

me: now, between me saying "what?" and her saying "to own..." I had fallen asleep so I take a stab and say "to own a bike?"

Vicky: I knew you didn't listen to me--you don't care about me and you don't love me anymore!

Looking back we both laughed at the conversation. Hilarious to think that a grown woman's dream would be to own a bike.

note on photo: I was impressed by this commuter check banner. Surprisingly avant-garde.

Gym jams

Started hitting the gymskie again and I wanted to provide a smoldering smorgasbörd of selections from my playlists. These songs have delivered timely dopamine uploads during my workouts and will fuel my rise back to the gladiatorial ranks.

This first number is from a Germanic fellow who goes by the stagename of Boys Noize. His real name is Alexander Ridha and he started playing drums at a young age. His percussive skills are apparent in this song as his drumming keeps the song moving briskly--especially at like 3:25--listen now!This song has corny germanic techno elements but the drums really knock on this one--especially if you listen to it really loud. Love the name of the song: Cops in the 80s. Makes me think of Running Scared with Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal or CHIPs like the guy who posted this video. Or Banana Fish. That's for all my VIZ niggas!

I discovered that song above after landing on TakeSomeCrimes's Youtube channel. His style is a bit fruity but he's a great dancer. He plays hot club jams in the basement of his parents' house and gets down. This dance isn't his greatest--especially at 1:01--the music called for a way bigger dance explosion. Anyhow, check it:Switching gears, have a listen to this dreampop stunner "Pounding" by the Doves. This song has the odd ability to put you in a ruminative trance and pump you up at the same time:I don't much go for Christina Aguilera's new stuff but this song has always been hot in my opinion. Lyrics are ree-dick (you're licking your lips and blowing kisses my way, but that don't mean I'm gonna give it away) but it always gets me 2 hype--especially towards the end when she says come and set me free baby. Check it:
Still hungry as the day I began, I heat the booth up so much the engineer caught a motherfucking tan. From Ludacris's "MVP":

Scott Pelley

Always thought he was a handsome guy but isn't he starting to resemble a heroin-ravaged Chet Baker?

Back from Orlando

Was working the floor at a convention center talking to doctors all day. One thing was confirmed: I'm not a natural salesman. I was demonstrating a product and I said to the customer: Unfortunately, we're not making any more of this product. It's a shame, because it's a great product. So if you're interested, you should buy it now. At this point, I have him ready to purchase but then I say, then again there's probably a bunch left in the warehouse; I mean they're not exactly selling like hotcakes, that's why we're phasing it out. So you can probably wait. He says, too much information! Gosh I hope my boss doesn't read this.

Another point of interest is that I was called a ginger twice by two younger, female coworkers. Reason I describe them as young and female is because I wanted to emphasize how cuckolded I felt. To be called a ginger is to be called sexually undesirable. Redheaded sperm doners are turned down when trying to sell their sperm. Nobody wants a redheaded child! I was talking with someone the other day whose husband works in marketing and they were doing a campaign for a UK-based company and his contact there told him to never uses gingers models in their campaign!

Anyhow, never been called a ginger and it pissed me off, so I say hey, that's a pejorative, that's not nice! She says, well, it is a pejorative, but it's a pejorative of endearment. You know like how young black men call each other nigga? I thought that was good comeback so I didn't pursue if further. But she's not a redhead so her metaphor doesn't really hold any water.

Another note: at Orlando International, I bought a breakfast sandwich, an empanada (for lunch on the plane), and a bottle of water. Guess how much it was? Only 9.25! For an airport that's the steal of the century.

On air travel: tiered boarding has gotten out of control. They were boarding one and then three rows at a time! And before that they would call the parents with small children, first class passengers, star alliance passengers, business class passengers, military or family of military, and then calling out individual rows which thankfully grew to three rows.

Another funny thing: my small department, all five of us, went to Jimmy Buffet's Magaritaville for dinner at our Universal Studios outing. I go to the bathroom and notice a trough right as I enter. So I start peeing and then realize something seemed off. There was a huge mirror facing me, there was soap, there were lights shining down on the trough, and there were faucets attached to the ceramic basin. I was peeing in the sink! Here's a photo of the sink: And no, I wasn't drunk, but I had never seen a restaurant bathroom with a sink in the form of a trough, so I figured it was what it looked like. Luckily no one was in there. As I walked back to the table I debated whether I should share the story with my coworkers. I'm thinking it was a good thing I didn't.

New word for saying something is bad-ass?

I'm thinking I'll start using the Brit term "Tops," or resurrecting the superlative "Tits" (favored term of the ZZ Top frontman), or co-opting the brand name of Safeway's line of premium deli meats "Primo Taglio." Which do you think makes me seem more indie or cooler if I were to use it consistently?

Guess what this is a photo of?

It's an artificial sweetener crystal magnified like thousands of times. Looks like a cave--pain cave of some kind.

Maglio Ordonez for Bruno Magli

Mark Wahlberg's True Holiday Story

I'm lazily folding my laundry Saturday afternoon and watching THS while my daughter sleeps. They're at the point when Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch is blowing up and he's been approached to do a biography. I'm really only half-listening until the narrator says:

The most shocking part of the book was the dedication.

Cut to a former manager of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch:

It didn't surpise me at all that Mark dedicated the book to his penis.

Back to narrator: Mark also revealed that he was born with a third nipple and wrote the bitches like to suck it.

Also revealed was that he went to prison for a hate crime--blinded some old Vietnamese man for no reason. What an asshole. Hate that prick now.

Why are those racial background questions on forms so concerned about you not being Hispanic or Latino?

Funny

So a big part of my job is coordinating with the doctors who review our content. And one of them didn't have any changes so I ask him:

So no edits Dr. Venkman, is that correct?

Correct. Might consider a gentler Herpes Zoster photo but it does certainly get the point across.

Aniston's new dude

No doubt he's a good-looking guy who takes care of himself but does he seem to be trying too hard with all the band T-shirts? I mean how old is that guy? Sick layout and design in above pic huh?

Is that a fucktard convention advertisement?

Just playing. Don't think it is--that was just a funny youtube comment on this video that my boy Jayson Matthews posted and I'm reposting:

Hanging Loose

I met my wife at our place of work. We carried on this secret affair without any of our co-workers knowing. Then we both quit. So one day we’re running errands in the Inner Sunset and we run into this dude we used to work with! So my wife manages to hide in the post office—she scoped him out before he saw us and she decided she still wanted to keep the secret. So she tells me to go talk to him but not to let on that we’re seeing each other.

So he says, Porter! How you been?

Oh, you know, just hanging loose.

Cool, cool.

I left PRNewswire just like you! I’m working at Adobe now (don’t think he worked there just wanted to make it seem like he had a cool job)! Did you find a new job?

Not yet.

So what have you been up to?

Nothing really. Just hanging loose.

Hanging loose, eh? Good way to be I guess. Okay man, take care!

I was so nervous about putting up this false front of casual normalcy, that that’s all I could say! Clearly not hanging loose at all! My wife jumps out from behind this large plant and says “’Just hanging loose’! What the hell was that?!” Matt Dilkens must think I’m such a weirdo now, huh?

Sent from my iPhone

I once viewed this email signature as a badge of exclusivity, but Jim Rome made the point that bragging about owning a device that 200 million other people also own isn't an impressive piece of posturing. So my sign-off now reads Sent from my Siemens Xelibri. No one owns this phone.

Comcast sucks for so many reasons

but here's a new one: every time that The Heartbreak Kid is on, the On Demand listing incorrectly reads that what's airing is the original 1972 version (which I love) starring Charles Grodin, Cybill Shepherd and Eddie Albert:when in fact it's Ben Stiller's career-worst turd version: What also pisses me off (though this isn't Comcast's fault) is that Jerry Fuckheimer was allowed to name his Will Smith movie Bad Boys because every time I see that it's on, I think it's this original version:Great movie but I wasn't ready to view the Ally Sheedy rape scene as an 11-year-old. Same goes for the chainsaw scene in Scarface from the same year.

Never considered myself a fanboy of anyone

Till I came across Scott Hansen's blog. I was searching for the old Jack in the Box font because I wanted to flip the logo to read "Jackin' the Boss." I came up with that idea after mistyping Jack in the Box and it sounded so funny to me. Anyhow, I found his blog entry about the Jack in the Box rebranding which he considered a success. This must be Mr. Hansen's only aesthetic miscalculation (I liked the old logo better) because the man's a genius and I'd probably lick his scrotus if he asked me to:

Maybelline ad musical trivia

Name the popular 80s TV show whose theme song is featured in this Maybelline ad.
Got it? It's spelled backwards here: ip mungam.

Took me a while to place it. Never gave much thought as to whether I liked this song but it sounds great here! Doesn't it?

Speaking of repurposing 80s music for use in commercials, I have a great idea for using the Sigue Sigue Sputnik chart-topper, "Lips Like Sugar." Splenda could use it and change the lyric to "Lips Like Splenda, Splenda Kisses." Can't you already see it? Images of young beautiful couples pouring Splenda in their coffee and then kissing. For some reason I see a tight shot of a couple drinking hot chocolate, kissing, and then the camera opens up to a wider shot of a gorgeous mountain vista and you realize they're on a ski vacation in some glamorous European resort town like Gstaad. Oops--I guess that band was Echo and the Bunnymen. Here it is:

Not Enough Time for These Dimes

This is my new rap act I'm managing: Dimepieces & Timepieces.

Hella

Ball Security

No, this isn't my coming-out post. What inspired this homoerotic piece was a comment I overheard from someone in passing: She's so beautiful she'd make Tom of Finland go straight. Tom of Finland is the name of the artist who drew that picture. Anyhow I just thought that was a funny comment and it had been churning in the hopper when I was watching some football and the announcer says "this team needs to improve their ball security..." So then I was thinking of ways to graphically use that term and Tom seemed like a sure bet. I knew Tom loved a man in uniform so a quick search was all I needed to find a suitable image.

Also discovered a great new free font you see used in the piece: REZ. Not sure if it even works here but I love it! Sorry for the sucky arrangement of lettering underneath that eagle logo. Couldn't figure out how to make it wavy.

This site is bonkers

Check it!

My oddball sense of humor

So I'm sitting through a 3-hour orientation at my work, in which all the new folks listen to the heads of each department give a spiel about what they do. So the HR lady gets up and she's talking about where to find medical supplies:

If you go to to the third floor by the elevators there's a closet full of every first-aid item you could imagine. Also, you'll notice a large collection of paperback books to the right of the medical supplies. These are books that employees have donated over the years--so if you'll be flying and need something to read, go grab a book!

So I cut in and say What about e-books?

Everyone turns and looks at me not knowing what to think--the HR lady is confused obviously. They don't know I'm joking because I asked very dryly, not giving anything away, not even a knowing smile. Keep in mind this is about a 1.5 second period. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I say "I'm kidding!" The HR lady said something like "you had me going there for a second." I think one guy laughed--everyone else just moved on. There might've been one small additional chuckle. I was laughing hysterically trying to keep it in. So my question is, is that even funny? Why is that funny to me? I guess because it's such a stupid question--who would ask that? And the resulting confusion, while awkward, is funny too--but probably not the best setting for joke like that. But its very inappropriateness is what makes the joke so funny to me.

This is the kind of thing that drives my wife crazy. Like one time we were on a flight and the stewardess asks me if I would be willing to take on the role of emergency door opening warden as I was sitting near the door. I nodded my head yes. And she says no sir, you have to answer verbally. So I say that I only communicate non-verbally (obviously contradicting myself if I'm verbalizing that sentence) and she got pissed! I forget what she said but I quickly said I was joking and that yes I would be the warden. That really pissed my wife off. Not the right context--the stewardess was obviously in a rush and in no mood for bullshit. Anyhow, I heard her the stewardess talking shit about me to one of her stewardess buddies! Then I got pissed. I think I intentionally swung my bag into her as I pulled it from the overhead bin. That was a great moment. I'm kidding! Not about the whole story but about the bag part.

These new NIKQUILS are sick!

One-stop shopping for swoosh and swizzurp enthusiasts!

Why

is it that some days I look at myself and think, damn, you are looking good, DP! and then the following day I feel like I look like Rocky Dennis?

Trending: Hottie Mass Murderers

Girls Know How

This song always makes me happy.

American Masters

I was giving a talk to these kids up at Harvard and they asked me, Mr. Porter, what is design? And I said design is the act of deriving form from fragment--you have all these elements and influences and ideas in your head--how do you put it all together? That's design. American Masters filmed the segment for its Great Minds series--should be airing in the Fall; look for it on PBS!

Ha ha just playing. That actually is a good definition of design though huh? Someone asked me that question in an interview--wish I'd said that. Here's a hilarious site called Master Hellahot that I found while searching for American Masters images.

Oh shit

Am I a pedophile because I clicked on that Taylor Momsen flashes at Download Festival pic? I would include it here but I don't want the feds after me. Instead, I'll post this brilliant piece of artwork (by Stephen Savage) that ran with a story about tennis writing in the Times. So simple but such a great idea.

Ortega Hernandez

My wife and I were trying to remember Oscar de la Hoya's name and she goes "Ortega Hernandez?" We both burst into one of those great full-bodied cathartic laughs. The reason Ortega was on her mind was that we had been watching one of the most boring fights in years--the Klitschco/Haye's abomination--and she goes "do you think that boxer really did dress up in women's clothing or were they photoshopped?" I think they're real--despite ex-Scores stripper Milana Dravnel's recanting (who claimed she took the photos)--what do y'all think?

What's your Tweed?

I've been thinking a lot about Twitter lately and I came up with a term for someone's Twitter feed—Tweed (Twitter + feed). You feeling that? Do people already call it that? Or do they just say Aww man you gotta follow my Twitter! Tweed would be better. Anyhow, here's an ad they should use if that's what it's called.

Movie Idea

So I was playing with my daughter and I was thinking how much I love her vitality and enthusiasm and energy (her unbridled youth, basically) and that I just want to tap her spring of youth like a keg because it makes me feel young. And then I thought that'd be a great movie--sort of an Invasion of the Body Snatchers/twisted Cocoon rip-off in which old people steal the youth from kids. The thieves suck it out of the sleeping child with a syringe--when the child wakes, they look like a progeria patient. Wait, that'd be a great idea for a public-awareness spot for this largely unknown disease. Here's the text for the ad:

Imagine if your 5-year-old woke up one morning looking like George Burns. You'd say that can't happen--that's science fiction, right? Well it's not. Each year thousands of children succumb to the disease of progeria and are robbed of their most precious asset: their youth.

Give to the American Foundation for Progeria and give these kids back their childhood--while giving a push to George Burns back in the grave where he belongs.

That tagline needs a little work but I think I'm onto something here.

Twitter account

Thinking about getting one. I think it was Jim Rome who was saying that if he ran an ad agency he'd require that all copywriter applicants have a Twitter account; it's the perfect platform to prove whether you can be efficient with words--if you can produce a compelling, original thought in 140 characters, you've got skills.

6 am

That's when my mind is most fertile.

I miss Jim Rome

Well I finally got a job. The one thing I miss from my UI days (aside from hanging with my daughter) is Jim Rome's opening monologue. I'd turn it on at 9 am sharp after I dropped my wife off at work and the opening song would come on and my daughter would say "That's Jim Rome!" The guy is an auteur and so completely locked in and focused during his 18 minute opening. He's an inspiration. I tried going online to find some archived shows but you have to become a Jungle Insider to gain access. Seven bucks a month. Think I'm gonna do that shit.

Anyhow, the job has been cool aside from a misstep with my VP on the first day (some of you have already heard this story). I had just emerged from a grueling three hour session with HR--they went over EVERY detail of the employee handbook--so, when were done I was on auto-pilot and I felt like a complete zombie. So the HR guy is taking me around and introducing me to everyone and then we stumble upon the VP of Communications, the big boss of my group, and we say hello and shake hands--and then after he says "I'll be looking forward to working with you" I say "Welcome," as if he's the new guy! Not the best first impression. He probably thought I was crazy. But I think I made up for it during my one-one-one getting-acquainted session with him in his office yesterday--I came across as a reasonable and sane professional (I think) and managed not to welcome him to the firm.

I'm all for getting edgy...

..and those are some provocative gloves for sure, but this company has taken it a bit too far, IMO.

Gaseous Clay

There you have it: the most juvenile blogojevich of my career. Gotta play to the base sometimes. And no, I did not steal this brilliant idea from the rapper with the same name. I'd never even heard of him until now.

LIVEWRONG

Y'all think he cheated? I do.

Can't believe this ad is real

They claim the shoe is supposed to give you energy--that's why the energy drink is being poured on the shoe. Also, the logo is a sperm! A journalist from AdWeek reported that retailers were backing out due to potential controversy. He couldn't believe the logo was a sperm and called the company to confirm. This was their response:

"Our logo is deliberate. Our customers feel like they are getting the beginning of a new life when they try our shoes. Pain and fatigue are alleviated, energy is restored; they can walk and exercise again. What represents that? The seed of life. We're not embarrassed by it, nor are our customers. We are currently working with some of the best retailers in the world and look forward to future business opportunities with companies that are liberal enough to embrace this concept. There's no shame, there's pride."

It's good to see Gravity Defyer has a sense of humor about this--the press release was titled: GRAVITY DEFYER™ LOGO CAUSES PULL OUT – pain free/comfortable footwear line still swimming upstream despite retailer outrage.